The Grown Life

All 'magical' things must come to an end...

2011-08-16T11:00:00.031-04:00

Yesterday was it. The day our Premium Disney Annual Passes expired. It was one of the most wonderful gifts anyone has ever given me. And did we ever enjoy them! I wish I had thought to keep track of how many times we went to Disney, sometimes for a whole day, other times just for a couple of hours. We probably saved enough in parking fees each month to pay for the passes themselves. We saw the parks decorated through the seasons, got photos and autographs, and developed systems for attacking our favorite attractions. Yes, Disney passes, you will be missed. Today, I thought I'd include a few photos from some of our memorable Disney trips over the past year.

Day 1! Our first passes. I've had one new one since then... Zach's had too many to count.

Our first trip. A child's "Mickey" ice cream cone on Main Street in Magic Kingdom

My favorite Disney dessert. "No Way Jose" at Beaches 'n' Cream (Disney's Beach Club Resort)

I had never been to a Disney water park before this year. It turned out to be one of our favorite things to do.

My favorite time of year and some of my favorite people. Can't beat it.

Marching with Pluto, nbd. This is one of Zach's favorites.

with "The Big Cheese" himself on my birthday

Z with his birthday pin

Panda Watch! Epcot Flower and Garden Festival

Sharing our Disney joy with Zach's fam

Turning to the dark side at Star Wars Weekends

Two words: Dole. Whip.

Our final trip. August 14, 2011. It's been a great year, Walt. Thanks!

And thank you for reminiscing with me. :)

-Lindsay

Raise your hand if you have more than one towel.

2011-08-15T12:15:00.001-04:00

I see you there. Judging me for being such a terrible blogger. It's been a long time... and I really don't have a good reason for being so quiet lately. Just lack of discipline. And I think I need to start writing down my blog ideas. I always seem to have them when I can't sit down to write, and then when I have the time I often feel like the inspiration is lost.

Not today, though. I spent the weekend helping my handsome boyfriend move 90 miles away from me. It's bittersweet. I miss him already (mostly because he won't text me back), but I'm proud and excited for him because of this new beginning. Helping Zach embark on a new chapter in his life brought to mind so many things that he'll get to experience in his own "grown life."

One of those things... is owning towels.

About a week ago, Zach and I walked around the mall just browsing...making little wish lists for his new place. Suddenly it occurred to me. Zach had pots and pans, he had furniture for his bedroom, but he had never ever had to furnish a bathroom. The boy didn't own a single towel.

"Maybe my mom will let me take one of hers," he suggested. Ridiculous. A ridiculous suggestion. We had just spent the better part of an afternoon trying to convince her that neither one of us had stolen one of her bathroom towels. Now he thinks he can make off with one? Insanity.

I told him to ask his new roommate, with whom he would be sharing a bathroom, if he had anything. Shower curtain? Plunger? Toothbrush holder?

Between the two of them they had "a curtain that's 'greyish' and....a towel." A towel? What do you do when said towel is dirty? Please tell me you clean the towel. And what if someone stays over? Do they have to drip dry? Ohhh...boys. ::shakes head::

As luck would have it, Zach didn't remember to purchase his own towel before heading over. After a hard day of heavy lifting and long drives, he really wished he could take a shower. The curtain wasn't unpacked yet either. I distinctly remember saying, "pack things last that you know you'll have to use right away. Like toilet paper and anything for a shower."

But that's what the grown life is all about, really. Learning for yourself which things make a home. I remember the time I didn't think about a plunger 'til I needed one... definitely NOT going to blog in detail about that (you're welcome). Some pickles you just need to get out of on your own. You'll be pleased to know, reader, that Zach now owns TWO towels and two washcloths. They're 'greyish' to match his roommate's shower curtain...which is horribly wrinkled...but that's another story.

-Lindsay

Learning to wait...

2011-07-25T11:20:00.001-04:00

D'you know how it seems like you have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again in life with different surroundings and circumstances?

That's what's happening for me now. I've always known that waiting for things is a weakness of mine. For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to figure out my birthday or Christmas presents. This was generally pretty easy because my mom usually hid them in my big brother's closet.

Zach knew this about me without me ever having to tell him. He just gets me. That's why he hid the necklace he bought me for our first anniversary at his office instead of his home. He knew I'd start turning the place over 'til I found it.

So we can all agree that I've always been impatient. There was a time in my life a few years ago that I took a hard lesson about waiting on God. Well, actually I learned a lot of lessons all at once, but one of the most painful was the lesson of waiting.

Back then, I didn't know for what I was waiting. I thought I knew. We always think we know. I tried to convince God that I was being patient for what I wanted, when inwardly I was throwing temper tantrums. Eventually, my desire for what I thought I wanted faded. That's what happens sometimes.

So now I find myself impatiently tapping my foot at God again. I want so many things. I want to be married (or even engaged). I want a "big girl" job. I want to move on to something new. I feel that I'm finished with this part of my life and my heart has already run away but my body's still enslaved here.

If we're not careful, during these times, we can push our desires through. We can try so hard to make things happen for ourselves that eventually they do... but they were never really supposed to. Dr. Mark Rutland (a personal hero of mine) spoke about that very thing yesterday at church and I knew I had to check myself before I wrecked myself. I don't want to push my desires through and ignore the plan of God. The consequences would be disasterous. I just need to wait. I just need to wait... and stop trying to find my presents in my brother's closet.

You'd expect this kind of revelation to bum me out a bit, but it didn't. Instead, I felt sort of renewed. Knowing that I'm supposed to be here, at least for now, makes me want to be the best that I can be. Sure... I'm just a glorified assistant and mid-day host. But I can (and should) be great at it, right? I must wait... but I can wait with excellence.

Join me.

-Lindsay

Czechin' out the Jewish Quarter

2011-07-13T12:38:00.001-04:00

I told myself today that I have to write a blog. I've been so inconsistent lately! Truth be told, work has been busy and I've been...well...working. But with a few minutes here while I eat my lunch, I'll tell you about one of my favorite places in Prague - The Jewish Quarter.

The Jewish Quarter, also called Josefov, is the oldest part of Prague. As soon as you get there, you know it. The buildings have Hebrew written on them and beautiful stars of David worked into the architecture. There are 5 or 6 tourist sites to see in this part of town. The Jewish people used to be confined to this small area of Prague. They weren't allowed to live or work anywhere else. Nowadays, the synagogues have been turned into museums. One of them has been painted with the names of thousands of Jewish people who lived in the ghetto there. Others hold treasures and items used in rituals. Most of them don't allow photography inside.

A star of David on a wrought-iron fence around one of the Synagogues

Men are required to cover their heads inside...

Probably the most interesting site to see in the Jewish Quarter is the cemetary. Back when the Jews were confined to the area, they were only alotted a very small piece of land to bury their dead. In Jewish law, the dead must receive a proper burial. Cremation is forbidden. With so many people living in such a small part of the town, people often died from disease... and with such a small plot of land set aside for burial, it was pretty crowded. When there was no more room to dig, they began to bury people on top of each other. The result is a hill, covered in grave stones, with an estimated 150,000 people laid to rest.

Just a small portion of the grave stones. Clearly, there's not room enough for all of them to be represented this way.

So that was a neat little trip for an afternoon. As a Christian, I've always been fascinated with Jewish culture. I bought a little gift from one of the vendors here for my best friend, but I won't tell you what that is because I know she'll read this. :)

-Lindsay

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2011-07-08T10:45:00.001-04:00

Eighteen.

What is... the number of public transportation vehicles we took to get to Prague? *Ding ding ding ding!*

After packing and repacking our items many times for this trip, (is it a checked bag or a carry on? We don't know!) the time had finally come to call it a night on Friday, the 17th. Sleeping is always difficult the night before a big trip. It's like waiting for Christmas to come. You know if you can just shut your eyes and make sleep come, it will feel like an instant, but your mind is running a mile a minute.

We had no idea what time we were supposed to leave in the morning so that made getting ready a little bit tough, but eventually we were on our way. Not counting our car ride to the airport, we were about to embark on our first of 18 public transportation vehicles on this trip to Prague.

1) The airport employee shuttle
2) The tram to our terminal
3) Our plane to Newark, NJ
4-5) The EWR "Airtrain" or as I like to call it "Epic Fail"
6) The train from EWR to Penn Station
7-8) New York Subway to China Town
9-10) Various New York Subway lines to Times Square
11) The train from Penn Station to EWR
12-13) Air-Train-Epic-Fail
14) The bus that had to come get us when Airtrain failed for real
15) Our plane to Munich!
16) Bus from Munich airport to Train station
17) Train from Munich to Regensburg
18) Train from Regensburg to Prague

I may have a few of those jumbled but at this point... who even knows? I became an expert in public transportation in a short 48 hours. The key is to anticipate your stops and have all your stuff together. Let the people off first before you try to shove your way on... and basically, just be nice.

After being shuffled around that many times, you get kind of a nomad mentality. Nothing belongs to you. No space is your own. Sitting in a seat is a luxury, not an expectation. It's good for the soul, I think. Being herded like cattle helps you stay grounded. Below, you'll find some photos of us on our way to Prague on various planes, trains and automobiles!

Zach taking a snooze on the way to New York from Newark

"Where are we supposed to be going?" - a common question. Shown here, in the New York Subway System

Jessica and I, crammed like sardines in the Airtrain-fail-death

Some guy who looks like Morgan Freeman waiting for a bus with us

Happily on our plane to Munich. Zach took a downgrade from Business Class to Coach to ride with me.

-Lindsay

How can I blog about Prague?

2011-07-06T10:53:00.000-04:00

(hey that rhymed!)

Aside from the really humorous and wonderful blog post my best friend, Adora Mae, wrote yesterday, you may have noticed that this blog has been pretty quiet lately. There's a reason for that.

I was gone on vacation for 10 days... which would normally be a perfectly legitimate excuse for the silence. Normally. Except that now I've been back for a week and a half and I still have yet to formulate one decent sentence.

I just feel like a vacation that long, with so much to see and so much to think about can't possibly be condensed into a blog post. I mentioned this to Adora and she told me that I should make the next few blogs about Prague. That way, I'll feel like I can sufficiently communicate all that we did and all that we saw. So get excited, reader(s). You're about to embark on Lindsay's Trip to the Czech Republic.

With any luck, I can make Zach upload his photos too so that I have something decent to show you.

Here I am overlooking the city of Prague from the Castle Quarter.

-Lindsay

Stealing

2011-07-05T09:08:00.004-04:00

Okay, maybe not stealing stealing. A few weeks ago I found myself sitting bored and alone in a bookstore, so when I came across a copy of Sylvia Plath’s ‘The Bell Jar’ I took the opportunity to crack it open. It’s been almost 10 years since I read that book and even longer since I really enjoyed reading. I remember that this was one of my favorite books my Freshman year in High School, but I couldn’t have even told you the plot, it had just been too long. Anyway, I make my way through the first two chapters during that visit to the bookstore, but alas that book was about $15 and I had (read: still have) about $2 to my name, so I put the book down and moved on.

A few days later, bored again (this is a consistent pattern in my life) and without any plans again, I found myself at the bookstore, reading through the next few chapters sipping a diet root beer. (side note: most of my delight in diet root beer from the bookstore comes from that fact that it comes in brown glass bottles and middle schoolers there always think I’m drinking beer & ask me about it.)

This continued for about a week and a half, if I didn’t have plans I found myself and Barnes & Nobel, scoping out a comfy chair, grabbing the book and diet root beer and just reading for a few hours. Cut to Sunday night, when I am at it again and then suddenly, I was done. I finished the whole book all in the bookstore, without ever having an intention of buying it.

I try and reassure myself, saying that I must have spent $15 on diet root beer during my time spent at B&N, but the truth is… I straight up stole that book, a chapter or two at a time. Anyway, sorry Sylvia Plath, if you hadn’t stuck your head in an oven, I would send you the $15 when I get paid on Friday.

P.S. If you ever want to feel COMPLETELY sane by comparison, read this book. The narrator is going crazy; you will never feel more sure of your sanity then when you are hearing the first person account of someone who is totally losing it. That is all.

-Adora

Reaching a goal...

2011-06-17T12:34:00.001-04:00

Well friends, I did it. I reached my goal weight of 125 pounds. :)

I know what you're thinking.
Lindsay, it should NOT have taken you this long to get here.

You're right. I have a problem whenever I make a goal for myself. I go full-steam-ahead toward the goal til I get really close to it. I mean really close. Like if my goal was speaking at a whisper, I'd be able to hear it. And then... I get lazy.

I don't know what it is about me that decides it's time to relax when I've only got that last 1½ pounds to lose, or those last few dollars to raise. Do I become tired of the chase? Maybe. Do I get afraid that I won't stay there? Bingo.

Two days ago I had a choice. I stepped on the scale and realized to my amazement that I wasn't 126.4 (as I had been for the previous 2 months). I was 124.6. I got off the scale. I let it shut off. I got on it again.

Yep... still 124.6. It was real. I had passed 125 and was living in the land of my goal weight. I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. Sure. I was lookin' skinny that day... but not that much different from every other day (I mean, it was only 2 pounds different).

But now comes the big dilemma. Do I broadcast my accomplishment? Do I let everyone know that I've finally...FINALLY reached my goal? Or do I go about my business and act like this never happened?

I was afraid to tell everyone I reached my goal because I didn't believe that I'd have the will-power to stay there very long. What if my will-power broke, I ate a brick of cheese, and then stepped on the scale the next day to find that I was 3 pounds heavier? It could happen.

Admitting I'd reached my goal meant that I'd have to admit defeat if I waffled back into the "above 125" zone. Nevertheless, I decided to savor my victory and post it on facebook and now this blog. Hopefully, I don't blow this while I'm on vacation next week (eek!), but I probably will... and then I'll just have to forgive myself and with grace, work for it again.

Hope you're still with me when that happens! ;)

-Lindsay

Everyone loves a deal!

2011-06-15T13:23:00.000-04:00

Hi blog friends! I know I haven't blogged in a few days. It feels like it's been a long time. I'm just getting a few things squared away for a BIG TRIP I'm getting ready to take. I'll give you all the details when I come home! :)

What prompted me to write today is simple: I'm a cheapskate. A miser. Thrifty, stingy, frugal. Call it what you will. For as long as I can remember, I've been tight with my money. I don't do a lot of shopping or buying new things and I'm always looking for new ways to save on the necessities!

I'm sure you've seen those amazing Extreme Couponing shows where women are so driven with this stuff that the grocery stores end up paying THEM. Or perhaps you subscribe to Living Social, Groupon and the like.

Along that same line of thinking, my cousin Kristin, has decided to try this couponing thing for the greater good. She's got a pretty demanding full-time job, so she won't be putting 40 hours into this stuff, but she will be giving it her all as a social experiment for the next three months. Kristin is one of the most generous people I know, so the mass quantities of stuff she accumulates will be given to those in need around her.

She'll also be sharing good deals with the rest of us who follow her progress. I already signed up to get a free bottle of shampoo with a promotion she told me about. :) She asked if I'd pass her blog along to a friend or two and I told her I'd do better - I'd tell all of you!

If you'd like to join her on her trip:
Click here for Kristin's Blog
And here for her Facebook Page

Thanks friends... happy saving!

-Lindsay

As far as it depends on you...

2011-06-10T16:16:00.000-04:00

God's been speaking to me about peace lately.

My weekly girls' Bible Study group has been doing a study on discerning God's voice and for the past week or so, the topic of peace has been brought up several times. I'm not exactly what you'd call a "gentle and quiet spirit" (thanks Peter). I'm loud, boisterous, and somewhat obnoxious. I don't typically shy away from confrontation and I find it relatively easy to speak my mind (in most situations). So for me, it's difficult to get the whole peace thing down.

God brings peace. He speaks peace. He creates it where it doesn't exist with just one word. Peace, be still. And he expects it of his followers.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Rom. 12:18)

If this is what I'm supposed to strive for, why do I CRAVE drama sometimes? It's so unsettling. It ties my stomach in knots. Yet I think sometimes I'm addicted to the adrenaline rush of putting someone in their place.

My greatest asset for evil is my tongue. I pride myself on being quick witted enough to verbally cut someone up and down if the need presents itself. Taming this tongue has been tough. Sometimes it's a losing battle. Step one: God's been starting me with the baby step of just being silent.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

If I'm unusually quiet... watch out! ;) I've been praying as I do my Bible study in the morning that I would behave as a person who's been changed by God. You'd be surprised how quiet that's made me. Apparently very little of what I naturally think of or want to say is worth saying.

Step two: God has been bringing to mind a few people in my life that I have not been living peaceably with. I mean sure, it's not like I'm in an active feud or anything, but there are people that I harbor resentment for or have some sort of unsettling underlying conflict with. I've been making baby steps to make peace with these people... as far as it depends on me.

What can you do to promote peace today?

-Lindsay

Little surprises.

2011-06-06T11:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I accompanied my boyfriend to church in Celebration, FL. He's the Campus Director for The Crossing Church: Celebration and until he moves out there for good, he'll spend every Sunday morning waking up at 4:15 am to get out there for early morning set up at 6. When I go with him, I grab a blanket, pillow and everything else I need to look church-appropriate and stuff it in his car. Then I hang out in my pajamas, napping in the backseat or an available room in the building until about an hour before service.

All the while, Zach is working, so it's understandable that when the service is done and the equipment is packed up at about 1:00 pm, he's exhausted. Add another hour-long trip home and I expect him to want to crash. As we exited the Reunion Resort, I had my head down, consumed with twitter, facebook and text messages I had ignored during the service. Head down, we discussed lunch plans. Should we take advantage of Cinco de Moe's or should I just make a sandwich when I get home? It wasn't until I glanced up as we passed Exit 60 for Apopka that I realized we weren't going the right way.

"This isn't the way home!" I exclaimed and looked at Zach who smiled, pleased that I had finally become aware of his scheming.

We were headed to our favorite spot, Walt Disney World. Since Zach got us premium annual passes back in August (you can read about that big surprise here), we've been to Disney more times than I can count, but each time it's so much fun for us.

One of the greatest things about my relationship with Zach are the little surprises. I am ridiculously blessed to have a man who loves me and isn't afraid to let me know about it. The little surprises aren't necessarily expensive and don't always require that much preparation, but just knowing that he wants to do something to make an everyday moment special means a lot. We spent a total of $8 that day... and that was just at a fast food joint for lunch. Our passes are already paid for. Zach made sure that I had a bathingsuit with me, so we went to Blizzard Beach to escape the heat.

Being with Zach means an endless string of little surprises. Sometimes it's a delicious homemade meal or my favorite dessert that he whipped together while I was at a Bible study, or a movie that I wanted to see, queued up and wating for me when I finish a run. Once, I asked him to drive me across a parking lot to my car and he took me out for sushi. He's an expert at taking perfectly normal, routine moments and transforming them into something meaningful for the two of us.

Little surprises are one of the things I look forward to discovering with him for the rest of my life.

-Lindsay

These are my confessions...

2011-06-03T11:15:00.001-04:00

So now that I'm living this social experiment where I try not to post things that are motivated by my desire to look good, I think it's time to be honest.

I AM NOT:

Well-Organized
A "fashionista"
Athletic
Clean, neat, tidy
Good at doing my hair
A "reader"
A very good cook
Humble
Compassionate
Generous

I AM:

Proud
Vain
Harsh, cold
Clumsy
Stingy
Needy
Scared
Resentful
Talkative

It's probably about time I tell you the truth. I don't have it all together. I have no idea what the grown life is supposed to look like. I'm not naturally motivated to get up off my couch and get things in order, which is evidenced by the fact that my living room often looks like a tornado hit it. I'm vain enough to take pictures of myself all the time, but honest enough not to "retake" it if it comes out bad. I'm too stingy to buy the latest fashions and I'm always behind the trends on the things I do have. I can't decide if I should look like a "grown up" or buy 27 t-shirts with pandas on them. I am constantly trying to be someone else. I buy cheaply made things that I always end up breaking. I greatly overestimate my own abilities and accomplishments and greatly underestimate the hardships of others. I was absent from school in heaven the day they handed out compassion and I find myself way funnier than I'm sure other people do.

So there you have it. My confessions of how outrageously imperfect I am. How about you. Do you have something to confess?

A social experiment.

2011-06-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

We've all heard the stories about how our society is becoming more depressed because of social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. (Oh you haven't? Read about it here.) The premise is simple. People become depressed when viewing their facebook friends having a happier, more glamorous and more priviledged life than they do. This is largely because of two things in my opinion:

1) People need to stop being lame, boring, jealous pansies and become the master of their own lives.
2) Facebook/twitter posts are completely self-serving and beg constant validation.

I find this to be especially true on my own facebook page. On twitter, I'm more apt to retweet others or write about a trending topic. On facebook, there is some inner desire to be noticed and patted on the back.

I post statuses about my workouts so that people will know I'm so fit. I post pictures of my dinner so that people will know I'm a great cook. I give a list of the things I've accomplished so that people will know I'm busy and productive. I let people know about my weekend plans so they'll recognize that I'm popular and fun to be around.

I'm not always aware of this motivation, but it's there. I know it's there because I see it in the posts of others and it's like a mirror staring back at me, revealing my own pride.

Pride is at the root of it all.

So I've decided that a social experiment is in order. I'm going to try my hardest for the next 7 days not to post a status to facebook or twitter that is braggy, prideful, or attention-seeking. I won't tell you how much I've cleaned, how fast I ran, how much money I saved, etc. Keep in mind that this will not be a facebook-fast. I'll still be updating. I'm just going to try very hard to examine each post and ask myself the question "Am I seeking the approval of my friends with this update?"

Can I do it for 7 days? Let's see!

-Lindsay

Fear not.

2011-06-01T13:48:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to a Bible Study in my friend's home. We're currently in the middle of a study called Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer. I tell ya, it has been just what I've needed lately. God has been using the teachings in this program to prepare me for the next phase of my life.

Last night, Priscilla talked to us about strongholds. She describes a stonghold as something in your soul (mind, will, emotions) that keeps you from being able to hear from God, and keeps the Spirit of God from directing you. She began to describe various strongholds and tell stories about people who have, with the power of prayer and God's Word, overcome them. It was then that God began to show me the stronghold of fear in my life.

I've always had an issue with fear. Growing up, even into my adult years, I'd find myself gripped by terror at night in my bed. I never was able to watch horror films and refused to even watch most war movies. I always imagined disastrous consequences on amusement park rides, airplanes, elevators, etc. I carefully chose my apartment based on the inability to see in my windows and made sure there were no trees in close proximity. I used to make a phone call before walking from my car to my house at night, just so that someone would be able to hear in case I was abducted. It was a little ridiculous.

In the past few years, I've considered myself to be at least functioning through the fear. I live on my own and rarely have to check all the "hiding places" in my apartment. I've become open to the idea of watching some films dealing with war (if the violence is stylized) and television crime dramas and even consider Criminal Minds to be one of my favorite shows. I figured that this fear thing was pretty much managable.

It occured to me last night that fear is still crippling me... only now it's found a new way to present itself. Instead of shaking in my bed at night while looking out the window, I'm shaking dreams out of my head as I look to the future.

In case you didn't know, let me fill you in on the fact that I graduated from Southeastern University with a Bachelor of Science in Pastoral Ministry (and a minor in theater... actiiiiing!). That was back in 2007. While I was on the pastoral path, I became a licensed minister in the Assemblies of God denomination. (Holla "Rev"!) Prior to becoming a pastor, I worked through college and high school in a series of primarily clerical positions.

Fast forward to 2011. No longer desiring a job in full-time ministry, I now work at a radio station and have pretty much expanded my role from a mere receptionist to an administrative/marketing/on-air personality with my hands in every department of this small Tampa cluster. That's all well and good, but at the heart of things, I'm still an assistant.

When I think about my future with Zach, it brings about so many changes on the horizon. Eventually, whether I go right now, wait til my lease is up, or wait til I get married, I'm going to move to the Orlando area to be closer to him. Every few days, I scan various job opportunities in the area and I'm hit with a huge problem.

I don't feel qualified to do any job that would pay me enough to make a living.

I am at a crossroads. This is the moment when I have to decide if I want to continue to do the same kind of job that I've been comfortable in for the last 10 years. A job I know I can do extremely well... or try my hardest to find a job that terrifies me. A job that involves managing others, being responsible, making things happen.

Zach gets mad at me because for every employment opportunity that crosses my path, I have a legitimate reason why I'm not able to perform it. I've never managed people. I don't know how to use that program. I've never been in charge of money. That would be a lot of pressure.

Fear is, once again, standing in the way of my life. This time it's not fear of stalkers or faulty rollercoaster equipment. This time it's fear of failure. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of never being qualified to do anything but answer phones, sort mail, and deliver a sermon.

I don't know what God has for me in the next phase of my life, but you can bet that it does not involve a prison of fear. As an initial step, I've decided to start putting scripture verses on my chalkboard (made with love for me by Miss Adora Mae) as a reminder that fear is not God's desire for me and I will not be ruled by it.

Let's see what the grown life has for me, shall we?

-Lindsay

I think a change would do you good...

2011-05-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

Every few months, I feel a huge dissatisfaction with my life.

Don't get me wrong. I live an incredibly blessed life. I am constantly in awe of how much the Lord has given me, how much he protects and shields me from, and how wonderful my opportunities have been.

...but every now and then I crave change. When I do, it just takes the slightest thing to make me want to throw in the towel and move away with no plan, no direction, no resources. Bad idea. That's why I never do it. I know that in this economy, it would take me a long time to find something and I don't really have much of a savings account.

Right now I've got my sights set on anywhere but here. Specifically, the Celebration-Orlando area. I've searched job websites and clicked around looking at neighborhoods. Just to dream.

At least this dream is mildly informed. Zach is the tech director at a church out there and after a powerful service this weekend, I'm feeling like that's where I want to be. He'll be moving out there in a few months and who can blame me for wanting to be close to him?

Mostly though, I just want something entirely different. A different apartment, a different job, different friends. Something new and exciting. My life is getting stale.

Some people have a hard time leaving everything they know. I would like to think that I'm the opposite of that. I find it thrilling. I don't have emotional attachments to too many things. I could just pack up and ship off and start a new chapter.

But I always wait it out. Eventually the need within me dies down and I put my nose back to the grindstone. I celebrate another year of service at my job and fill my calendar with dates, events and engagements. And I stay.

Still I wonder if it isn't something larger than me that's putting this desire deep inside me...

-Lindsay

I'm listening.

2011-05-23T13:47:00.002-04:00

God is going to say something really significant to me very soon. Or maybe he's already trying to.

Here's how I know.

In an attempt to regain some of my prior dedication to the practical side of having a relationship with my Creator, I joined a Bible Study. My church has lifegroups, but none of them are located near me. This is probably because I live 40 minutes away from my church. I'm pretty sure I'm the only regular attender that comes from the St. Petersburg area.

Anyway, my friend Becca leads a small group Bible Study through her church and when she invited me to be a part of it, I jumped at the chance to have a mid-week corporate study time once again.

Long story short, they were already in a two part study about hearing and discerning the voice of God. I have homework due every day and so far, I've been really good at diligently working on it daily. It was important to me to set aside some time for it daily (usually first thing) to make sure that I've got it on my mind as I go.

Cut to my daily Bible reading. My church does the Life Journal Reading Plan. They're all reading together somewhere in 1 Kings or something... for some readon my YouVersion Bible app has decided that I shouldn't be following along with them anymore. It started me over at Day 1. I can't for the life of me figure out how to get it back on track, so I gave up and decided to start at the beginning. It had been a while since I read Genesis and Luke anyway. So right at the moment I'm reading about the transfiguration and voices from heaven telling me to "listen to the Son of God," Pricilla Shirer decides to tell me the same thing.

As if that weren't enough, Greg Dumas, my senior pastor, feels led to start a brand new series this month called Listen... all about, you guessed it, hearing from God.

The same things just keep being taught and reiterated to me every other time I turn around. And with the powerful services Zach and I experienced at The Crossing: Celebration yesterday, I just know there's something big on the horizon.

Ok God... I'm listening.

How do they see me?

2011-05-16T08:44:00.005-04:00

I've always prided myself on being a girl who doesn't give a ::bleep!!:: what others think of me. I've often become frustrated with people who do too much or too little because of the opinions of others. It's like... just do what you want! ya know?

But lately it's occurred to me to evaluate the way others are seeing me as a character thing. Sometimes you miss big things that God needs to talk to you about when you refuse to look through someone else's eyes.

This brings me to this weekend.

I should start by saying that there's a small (I hope it's small at least) group of people who just really hate me. They think I'm a bad influence on my friends and loved ones and pretty much the source of all evil. Hey... I'm ok with that. Mostly because I don't really know any of these people. (lol... no seriously.) I've met a few of them and had brief, pleasant conversations with them, but for the most part they don't really know me. In fact, one of them I had never met before in my life!

Until Saturday. :)

I walked in to a local restaurant that I frequent with my friend and this gentleman was there working. My friend chatted with him and I sat patiently as one does when they're with someone who sees someone they know. Eventually my friend turned to me and invited me into the conversation by drawing a similarity between me and the guy. (you know like "Oh so-and-so ALSO loves to scrapbook!") Then the conversation took on that ideal new spin where the newly-connected pair of people begin talking about their mutual experiences. Asking questions and talking about mutual friends.

At the end of the conversation, while my friend and I are paying I say "I know you may not remember this, but if you do, will you tell 'so-and-so' that I say 'hi'?" and he says "Oh sure, what's your name again?" (the polite thing to say. To pretend you knew the name of the person ahead of time.) "Lindsay Barta," I answer.

"Lindsay Barta--oh... Lindsay...Barta."

It was all I could to not to crack right up. This guy hates me. Right? I mean it must be JUST as comical to him that he just had a very pleasant conversation with the woman he has such strong feelings about and didn't even know who she was.

As funny as it is, that incident got me thinking. It's ridiculous for someone who's never met me to dislike me so strongly... but it's not like that came from no where. These guys weren't just sitting in a room one day saying, "bro, who should we hate?" "I don't know, man. Browse through our friends' pictures on fb and see if the same person turns up enough... that's who we'll hate."

I must have done something to someone to be perceived in such a negative manner. So now the soul searching begins.

God, you know I don't care if someone loves me or loathes me. It really is all the same. But I want to glorify you. So create in me a clean heart and see if there be any wicked way in me. If so, point it out. If we're cool, I'll just keep on livin'.

Being THE Lindsay Barta is tough... but somebody's gotta do it. ;)

-Lindsay

Body movin'

2011-05-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

Here's a little challenge I have for YOU, readers (eh...who'm I kidding? reader). Take a whole week and try to make sure you do something active every single day.

I've been making it a priority to be active this week. Being active doesn't necessarily mean a full-blown workout. It can be a walk around the block (your dog's been needing it anyhow), or a bike ride. Or if you don't want to brave the seriously ridiculous Florida heat, find something to do indoors.

Today I woke up an hour early. For me, that means 7:00 (not bad, I know). Once 8:00 rolls around I really need to start kickin' it into high gear to be presentable and to work on time. I set my alarm for 6:50 because I know I love to snooze and I made sure I set my workout clothes out before bed. Anticipate the laziness! No excuses!

All I did was give it 30 minutes. After spending some time on my Bible Study homework, I popped in a DVD that I borrowed from my friend Becca. The Biggest Loser Boot Camp Workout.

5 minute warm up
20 minute work out
5 minute cool down

And we're done. Hop in the shower and get on with my day. No, it wasn't a calorie-busting long run or a body-wrecking spin class. It was just a quick 30 minutes, devoted to movement and being a better steward of my body.

If 30 minutes is too much, that's ok! Do 15... or 10 in the morning and 10 before bed. People absolutely will make time for the things that are important to them. It's a fact of life. You can choose to be good to the body God gave you.

Most of the time, I live a sedentary life. I sit at a computer screen managing websites and graphics. Or I sit in a studio, hosting a day-part on the radio. Or I sit in the car heading from one place to the next. The point is - I sit. I owe it to myself to move every once in a while.
And so do you. Your body is begging you to get on a bike and ride around your neighborhood. I promise you can do it.

-Lindsay

Amish Friendship Bread

2011-05-10T09:04:00.005-04:00

The way to the hearts of many people is through their stomachs. I'm thinking the Amish knew this when they came up with Amish Friendship Bread. (or maybe they didn't even come up with it, according to this wikipedia article).

Either way it's delicious. The idea is that it takes 10 days to make this bread, which, in our instant-gratification society, is kind of nice. You may think that that's quite a commitment but most days you're really just mushing the bag around... so what's hard about that?
I got my starter-batter from my mom. It was neat to do something together like that. I must say I was lucky that I happened to be home at some point each day. Often I spend entire weekends on the other side of town. I'll be heading to New Tampa for two nights later this week and I'll likely have to take my bag of batter with me. (weird.) Most days I just woke up and while in the midst of my morning routine, I'd grab it off the counter and mush it up a little bit.

The only downside to this recipe is that it consumed quite a bit of my resources. About halfway through you throw a cup of flour, sugar and milk in there. The bread-monster eats it and continues to grow. Then on day 10 you put MORE flour, sugar and milk in before separating it out into 5 groups. 1 cup goes into each of 4 freezer bags so that you have 1 starter for yourself and 3 to give to friends (hence..."friendship bread"). The 5th part (what's leftover) is for baking. Then (surprise!) you add MORE flour, sugar, milk and lots of other things to this portion. It was surprising, though I guess if I read ahead I could've figured that out. I honestly wasn't sure I'd make it again because of how much of my pantry it demanded. Those feelings passed when my boyfriend tasted the finished product and said "oh my gosh, can we have this all the time??"
The good news is that most of the ingredients are things you already have in your kitchen. The only thing I had to buy was a package of large vanilla pudding mix. It's a great way to clear out some of those old baking ingredients that you need to get rid of.

Most importantly, it's freakin' tasty. And not hard at all. It makes you feel super-domestic because not only did you make bread from scratch, it was bread that took TEN DAYS (look at you go!).

Below is a copy of the instructions... and a picture of my tasty bread!

AMISH FRIENDSHIP BREAD
DO NOT REFRIGERATE

If air gets into the bag, let it out. It is normal for batter to rise, bubble, and ferment.

Day1: Do nothing the day you receive your batter. Note the date on the bag
Day2: Mush (knead) bag
Day3: Mush (knead) bag
Day4: Mush (knead) bag
Day5: Mush (knead) bag
Day6: Add to bag: 1 cup floud, 1 cup sugar, 1 cup milk, Mush (knead) bag
Day7: Mush (knead) bag
Day8: Mush (knead) bag
Day9: Mush (knead) bag
Day10: Follow instructions below: NOTE if using self rising flour omit baking soda, baking powder and salt.

1. Pour contents into a non-metal bowl
2. Add 1½ cups flour, 1½ cups sugar, 1½ cups milk. Mix
3. Measure batter into 4 separate zip lock bags (1 cup each). Keep one of the bags for yourself and give 3 to friends with a copy of this recipe.
4. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
5. Add to the remaining batter: 3 eggs, 1 cup of oil, 2 cuip of sugar, ½ cup of sugar, ½ cup milk, 2 tsp. cinnamon, ½ tsp. vanilla, 1½ tsp. baking powder, ½ tsp. baking soda, ½ tsp. salt, 2 cups flour, 1 large box instant vanilla pudding.
6. Grease 2 large loaf pans and mix an additional ½ cup sugar and ½ tsp. cinnamon into a small bowl. Mix together and dust greased pans with ½ mixture.
7. Pour the batter evenly into pans and sprinkle with remaining sugar and cinnamon mixture on top.
8. Bake for 50 minutes to 1 hour until done or when toothpick inserted into center comes out clean.
Cool bread until it loosens from pan (about 10 minutes). Turn out onto serving dish. Serve warm or cold.

Happy Baking!
-Lindsay

Mama, Mama you know I love you...

2011-05-09T12:08:00.003-04:00

I meant to post a blog about my mama yesterday but I forgot to bring my computer to the 'rents' house.

I'm one of those amazingly lucky kids that have always had a great relationship with my parents. My "rebellious phase" took place when I was in 7th grade. Seriously... not much damage you can do when you can't drive yourself anywhere.

My dad is basically a gigantic teddy bear and my mom and I have just often had a knack for seeing eye-to-eye.

It's probably because I'm just like her. So often I see in myself the qualities that made my mother a strong, independent woman of God and for me, this realization is a happy one.

I owe to my mother my passion for a real relationship with God. A desire to know more than just the "should and should nots," but to know who God is and how intimately he knows me. My mom's passion for God has always been the foremost thing in her life. You can't know her without knowing that. She doesn't mince words or make apologies for it.

Come to think of it... my mom doesn't mince words much ever. She's clear, direct and very funny. I get all those things from her. Her advantage? She's quiet. Mix her directness with my father's outgoing personality and you get me - Lindsay Barta, the girl who will always tell you how she feels whether you asked or not.

My mom has passed on to me her strength and savvy. No way is this clearer than when it comes to finances. My mom hates paying more than she has to for anything - especially if that means paying interest. Thanks to how smart and frugal she is, they paid in full for the home they've lived in since I was 10 and she paid off her current brand-spankin'-new-car in a matter of months. It's this ingrained mindset that has lead me to be able to live on my own for years now while so many of my friends are still at home. My parents don't foot any of my bills. It's always been my mother's dream that each of her kids leave the nest and "fly on their own." She's done a very good job of that.

I love our relationship. She's loving and maternal. She's in my life without being one of those creepy "my mom is my best friend" types. She's influencial but gives me space to be different. She cares about me and my friends. She's super-great to Zach - she makes him feel welcomed like part of the family without placing expectations upon him.

In short: I love her. And you should too. She's beautiful, strong and a Godly example. If I grow up to be like her, I've got good things in store.

-Lindsay

Empathy.

2011-05-04T10:25:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I'm a grump.

Well I think everyone is. Lately I've been feeling more affected by the attitudes and emotions of people around me. Well... it's possible that I've always been this way, but at least I've been taking notice of it lately.

There are some people in your life that are glass full people and some that are glass empty. I'm probably a glass-half-empty girl myself. I just get annoyed at the universe more often than not. But recently, I've been noting that being around some of my fellow half-empty friends has the ability to just pull me into a tailspin of grouchiness.

And I wonder... do I do that?

There have been multiple occasions lately where having a simple conversation, neither good nor bad, with friends of mine has resulted in me becoming a grade-A sourpuss. Then I take that negativity and tend to throw it all at those closest to me. Then the grouchiness lives on in that relationship.

I don't want to be a person who grumps other people out. I also don't really want to be Mary-freaking-sunshine, because I don't really think that's real. So what's the compromise?

How do I hold my disposition no matter whom I'm talking to? And how to I make sure that the chain-of-grumpiness stops with me? I'm not really sure actually. I'm just throwing it all out there. I mean it can't be bad to be a little more self-aware right?

-Lindsay

I'm rubber, you're glue...

2011-04-26T10:12:00.003-04:00

Ever since I was a little girl, my mom has been talking to me about the power of my words. I'd call someone stupid or say that I was going to die because of something and she'd warn me that the power of life and death rested in the words I was saying. Well I'm older now and, despite many proclamations, I've yet to die, but I do see the power in words.

It seems that several of my friends have had similar problems lately. I hear a recurring theme... discouragement coming from words.

Some people throw their words around, not caring who they hit. Generally, I am one of those people. I'll admit it. I'm actually not usually sorry about it either. ::shrug:: Some people target their words. Trying to make others feel discouraged or inadequate. That's where this blog finds us.

I have a friend who deals with the constant competition of a coworker. I tend to think that, since these women are friends, the coworker isn't really consciously aware that she's trying to "one-up" my friend and make her feel less accomplished with the words she says. It's just instinctive for women (and overly-sensitive men) to constantly compare themselves to everyone in the room. I do it all the time. I don't work hard for a bikini body to impress men at the beach, I do it to compete with girls; girls with perfect hair, glowing skin, and rock hard abs that "have always just been that way."

In a world where sizing up the competition feels natural, we may not realize that we're belittling even those closest to us to make sure we're the best in the room. The smartest, the hottest, the best dressed, the funniest... how do women (and insecure guys) even find ways to connect on an honest level with all of this constantly running through their minds?

And with all that dog-eat-dog competition running around, how do you manage to live if you're not on the top? You just make sure that somebody's low with you. When I joined my first kickball team two years ago, I was horrified of the world seeing how un-coordinated and un-athletic I truly am. When I realized that some of my childhood friends were joining the team, I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe someone else would be bad at this with me. It's solidarity.

Another friend of mine has been dealing with the weight of a girl who is miserable. In her misery, she continually drags my friend down with her words, wanting desperately for someone to feel it with her. As my friend tries to better her life, she hears passive aggressive attacks. It's enough to keep anyone in a slump of discouragement.

My advice to both of these women (not that they asked for it) was to take the power out of the words that are coming against them. If you're being made to feel lower than someone else, find something that you can take joy and pride in that is completely separate and enjoy it... knowing no one can take it from you and that your worth is not summed up in who's prettier, smarter, or dressed better. If someone is trying to drag you down with them, take the power out of their words, noting that you are not a bad person or a bad friend for taking care of yourself. You can be a friend to those who are down while being perfectly healthy yourself, and anyone who wants you to be otherwise does not want what's best for you.

Easier said than done, I'm sure. But I hope that this message has found some of you at the right time in the right season of the grown life.

-Lindsay

"When girls compete, it's art..."

2011-04-25T12:18:00.001-04:00

AND I AM AN ARTIST!

-Adora

Domestic Goddess.

2011-04-20T10:50:00.003-04:00

...not quite, but I'm trying. Lately I've been doing things around the house that have made me feel very grown.

Last weekend I had the joy of opening my little home to one of my best friends and his band, Aisham. While having guests can sometimes be an added stressor, I've also found that the older I get, the more pride I take in hospitality. I know the boys of Aisham don't care if I make my house spotless before they get there, but the grown life produces a need in women to give the best to their guests, I think.

My good friend (and hospitality guru), Becca Christensen, lent me her brand new griddle so I could serve up a breakfast fit for 4 kings. :) To be honest, Zach did most of the cooking that morning, but I did the grocery shopping so I consider at least that part to be a win.

Sunday, I went to church in Celebration, FL with Z and then we headed to my house for the afternoon. Zach took a nap while Marta, Becca and I went on a super-secret-surprise-mission (you can read more about that here), but before that I started my first slow cooker recipe ever! Chicken and dumplings for my sweet boyfriend!

I'm not a huge fan of dumplings. The consistency just makes me feel like they've already been chewed. I know, now you're not a big fan of dumplings anymore either. It was, however, an easy meal to start with for the cooking-novice. I found a recipe at 400caloriesorless.com that was flavorful enough that Zach probably didn't even know he was eating moderately healthy. (If you tell him, he'll try to deep fry something). I have to say it came out pretty good! Here it is shown below before the dumplings were added... which is how I prefer to eat it anyway.

I've gotta say that just going through the checkout aisle with fresh vegetables in my cart instead of packaged pre-processed food was a great feeling. It was like telling the world, "look out world... I cook."

Domestic goddess? Just one more title of mine in the grown life.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

2011-04-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

This morning I actually accomplished putting Jesus first in my day. I did my quiet time in the morning for a change (winning!). After that I went for a morning run.

As I ran, I prayed. I began to thank God for all the many blessings he's given me... and believe me, they are many.

I have a job that pays enough for me to live on my own. I have a loving family. I have friends who care about me. I have a relationship with a Godly man who continually shows me more love than I deserve. I'm relatively healthy (no major issues). The future is looking bright and I'm incredibly content.

I don't want for anything right now. My petitions to God are almost always for others. While I find satisfaction and happiness in my life, I can't help but sleep with one eye open.

As someone who has experienced trials and as someone who has prayed for Christian people who seem to face difficult time after difficult time, I've got to wonder "When is something awful going to happen?"

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

What if I'm not facing trials of many kinds? What if I'm not even facing trials of ANY kind? I mean sure... there are some thing that bug me. Some people at work that create "learning experiences" but nothing really pressing... no real need. And I'm scared.

I'm scared of what that means. I'm scared of what will happen. I'm afraid of losing the things that I'm currently loving. We've all heard that the Christian faith is NOT easy and so if at some point it seems that way, doesn't that just mean the storm hasn't reached me yet? Sure, the Lord IS my shepherd and I shall NOT want... but what if I'm not walking through the valley of the shadow of death either?

I'm not really sure what all of this means except that it's freaking me out.

Any thoughts, grown lifers?

Muscle Memory

2011-04-08T10:17:00.004-04:00

Yesterday my office had a big lunch function.

On one hand, I love events like those because they make the day fly by. I rarely pass up free food (or free anything). Plus, you can't go wrong being paid to eat. :)

On the other hand, being at the mercy of someone else's menu means that I often take in a lot more calories than I'd like to. Between finger sandwiches, chicken salad croissants, a chocolate chip scone that will literally stop you in your tracks, and a cupcake with buttercream icing... I had eaten every one of my alotted calories at lunch time. The worst part was that none of the foods were particularly high in protein so a couple of hours later and I was absolutely starved again!

Determined to stay under 1200 net calories, I set out to run 4.5 miles when I got home from work. It was about 82 degrees, sun still blazing, burning my face as I ran. It was miserable.

I expected the heat, but it wasn't just that. I stopped to stretch at a neighborhood sign and my calves were on fire. I hadn't felt this familiar pain in a long time. Setting out again, my glutes burned with the task of picking up each foot and putting it in front of me.

I turned down my music and began talking to God. I told him about my small group this week and how I was a little nervous to be studying holiness... and how I was impressed by Becca's statement that she noticed a dramatic difference in her life when she remembered to make her quiet time the first part of her day - before any distractions had the chance to take any of her attention. I silently scolded myself for not waking up early and doing that very thing.

I began to think about my grocery list and the measures I'd have to take to make weightloss a priority and just before I got to 2 miles, I felt my muscles screaming at me to stop. On a normal day, with the encouragement of friends I might just push through it. But it was so hot and I was squinting to avoid the headache I often get when I forget to wear sunglasses. I stopped and started walking. As I walked I scolded myself for being so lax with my running lately. Sure, I was working out often. I was devoting more time to strength training and liking the results I was seeing, but my running muscles were losing their memory. I wanted the ease I had when I was training for Ragnar, hitting the road nearly every day. "It will be easier," I told myself, "the more often I do it."

Then I thought of my other problem. My failure to make God a real priority. It was so difficult to get back into a rhythm like I used to have. But perhaps faith muscle memory is the same... and it's easier the more often you do it.

Shaking the sand of your life and finding the priorities that you need to put above the rest is just another part of the grown life.

Thanks for joining me on the journey.

-Lindsay

April showers: all 5 of them - My cleanest month!

2011-04-07T11:36:00.006-04:00

Well, it’s officially April! That came quick. (That’s what she said)

My conference in D.C. was so much fun and I may or may not have made an entire facebook photo album of it with only hipstamatic photos. Now on to what April will be bringing me…

April means my niece is two years old! I don’t know how she went from this to this in just two years! Needless to say I love this little sassy girl, but I’ll post more about that after her birthday party.

April brings with it, Easter & for the first time I will be spending Easter with my parents and my Sisters cute little family.

April gives me…wait for it…3 PAYCHECKS IN ONE MONTH! Whoo! …Oh, what’s that? I still owe my dad $1200? Oh yeah, I forgot. Well…that thought was fun while it lasted.

April will likely bring some relationship changes that I think I will hold of talking about until I’ve put my full effort into scaring this idiot away. If he’s still around after that, then he will likely inspire some blog posts.

Lastly (literally the last week in April) I will be driving up to West Palm Beach to SunFest it up with the lovely Andy-Mac-Delva for a day or two. I love acting like I’m cool enough to be his friend, it’s a fun game.

-Adora

Ya gotta have faith-a faith-a faith.

2011-03-29T15:39:00.004-04:00

This is my faith foot. I got this tattoo about 2½ years ago. It was half planned, half "on a whim." I had considered the idea of a tat and what I'd want it to say. I didn't really think I'd go through with it, so when my best friend Kristen posed the idea of getting my ink done before heading out to a country line-dancing bar on a Thursday evening, even I was surprised when I found myself in Blue Devil Tattoo hours later.

The word is Faith... the reference is II Corinthians 5:7 - "For we walk by faith, not by sight." (KJV)

Back then, my "faith foot" was a reminder that I truly believed that God would give me the desires that I hoped and pleaded for in my heart. Those desires were almost entirely summed up in my broken relationship with my ex-fiance. I wanted him back. I had tunnel vision and I would settle for nothing less.

Now... I can only thank God that he knew better for me. My "faith foot" means even more. It's a mark that I gave myself (through the skilled hands of some tat artist in Ybor) during the most difficult time in my life as a reminder that I believed my God was capable of anything. Now, as I drink in the happiness of a full and beautiful life, I glance down at my left foot and remember that no matter what happens, my God is more than able to land me back on my feet... no matter what my circumstances look like.

For I walk by faith... not by sight.

-Lindsay

Mission: Shamrock

2011-03-17T11:52:00.002-04:00

Green is my favorite color. March is my favorite month. So it should come as no surprise when I say I LOVE St. Patrick's Day. A few years ago I was seen donning this little number at work:

Did. Not. Go. Over. Well.

Last year, I dialed it down just a little bit, but kept some of my flair in the way of green and white striped tights. Now I'm just not sure. What would the grown life response to St. Patrick's Day be?

I settled on a fun green shirt. Appropriate for going out, but not too costumey. I did, however, pack my tights in case I change my mind.

I started a new program called My Fitness Pal. I'm only three days in so I can't tell you how it's working for me, but so far I like it. The tough thing about calorie counting, which My Fitness Pal is based on, is that there are no "flex points." I can't say, "it's a holiday! I'll drink this Shamrock Shake today and make up for it tomorrow."

But it is a holiday. And I WILL have a Shamrock Shake.

I have mentioned in past blogs the love I have for the Shamrock Shake. The perfect blend of mint and vanilla. It's so good. It's so green. All year long I wait impatiently for March in all it's minty glory. No day deserves a Shamrock Shake more than St. Patrick's Day. I have big plans to hit up a McDonald's drive thru later this evening. But at 420 calories for a SMALL shake, how will I manage?

I texted my friend John yesterday and asked if he'd be interested in accompanying me on a run this afternoon before we paint the town green. He obliged and then Mission: Shamrock was born. I will run with all my heart. I will burn 420 calories. And then I will savor the success of sweet minty triumph at my local McDonald's.

If they run out of shamrock flavoring this year, so help me God...

I'm failing this challenge - Week # whatever.

2011-03-15T15:03:00.002-04:00

Ok so I weighed in today. After following the weight watcher rules and even squeezing in some extra exercise, I only lost .2 pounds. This leads me to believe that while Weight Watchers is a ballin' program that will definitely work for some people, it's just not for me anymore.

The new Weight Watchers system is based on fat/carb/protein/fiber intake. This is great because it focuses on what the food is actually made out of and helps users to focus on making healthy food choices. However, as someone who is 132 lbs trying to get to 125, it doesn't work for me. I'm too small to work on healthy choices alone. I need something based on caloric intake.

It's not rocket science. The recipe is simple.
Weightloss = Calories Burned > Calories Consumed.

So I need something a bit more calorie-driven to work for me. (The old WW program was based first and foremost by caloric intake, which is why I believe I always had success with it.) I've started working with a program called MyFitnessPal. I'll see if this works for me this week. If it does, I'll share my success with you, blog reader.

In the meantime, I'm doing absolutely HORRIBLY in my challenge, but I will not quit.

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 131.8
TOTAL PUNDS LOST: 6

How miserable. What am I on now, Week 8? I'm doing a terrible job. Just call me Fatty McGee.

-Lindsay

Let's Play Catch Up

2011-03-11T16:43:00.004-05:00

Yes, I’m alive…if barely. While I may not be as eloquent or verbose as my best friend and co-blogger, I do enjoy sharing the details of my life with all of you. It just so happens that as of late the details of my life have been so numerous, filling every free minute that I just haven’t had any time to share. So, looking back to my last post; here is a recap.

As, you may remember in September I told you to suck it up…My sentiments on that subject remain the same

In October I wore the same dress every day…a little surprised I didn’t blog about that. See my face book photo album for details and proof.

November…hmm what’s in November? Thanksgiving? Yes! I went up to my parents house in Pensacola and we all had a mini family reunion with all my siblings and their marriage partners and kids. It was a pretty good time, here is the ONLY picture of us all:

December had a bunch of stuff I’m sure, but there was Christmas which I spent at my sister’s house in Leesburg. It was a good time, baby Jesus did His thing.

January…ahh January I became an old lady (23 is old now, you should read more Cosmo) anyway my girl planned a nice little dinner at sushi tsu and here is a picture for your edification

February was a big month, it was supposed to end my 6 month of single on purpose fast, but the fast continues on…for now at least. Also, in this fine month I moved to a new apartment where I have a roommate that I met through craigslist and so far everything is going well with that. I’m close to the beach and saving about $300 a month compared to my old place so, I feel like it’s a good plan.

This is March; so far it has been pretty uneventful, this whole month sort of snuck up on me. It’s here however, and flying by. Wednesday I leave for D.C. to go to NTC (Non-Profit Technology Conference) and I am VERY excited. I get to geek it up refer to people by their twitter names if I want (you can call me @AdoraMae)

Anyway, I hope to be writing more, just wanted you to know that I didn’t die…yet.

"I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home."

2011-03-11T14:24:00.002-05:00

I think something happens to a woman when she starts to grow up. She starts to identify with her home. Entertaining friends and creating a space that reflects personal style and warmth becomes more and more important and keeping that hearth clean and tidy becomes more of an obsession. This will often lead grown women, such as myself, to spot dirty dishes on the way out the door and subsequently be late for work cleaning them. Being unable to keep an organized place leads not only to physical chaos but to that horrible nagging feeling in the back of your mind and sadness when looking around at all you haven't done.

That's how I've felt lately. Too busy to keep up with my own mess; resentful toward my hectic life as miscellanious items pile up on my futon, displaced from their particular spot.

I've had a sort of tradition to spend my weekends in New Tampa. My boyfriend lives there with his family and most of my friends are up that way. It's about a 30-45 minute drive from me, so when I leave for work on Friday, I pack everything I could possibly need for that weekend... hang out clothes, swim suit, logo'd work shirt (for events), running clothes, etc. I bring a nice outfit for church, my hair accessories and appliances, makeup, changes of shoes - it can get overwhelming. Then occasionally, I'll be up to something on a Sunday night and won't want to make the drive all the way back to my house in St. Pete, so I'll need an outfit for work on Monday morning.

It's rare that my weekend is not filled to the brim with dinners, lunches, events and parties. I'm not complaining about the love of my friends. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a life filled with the people they love. After a while, however, I realized that my 618 square feet of heaven was being completely neglected.

I can't count the number of food items I've tossed out because I'm just never home to eat them before they spoil... or the number of times I've sighed at my bathroom on a Tuesday morning vowing to really get in there and do more than just a surface clean.

So I took a look at my calendar and with no prior engagements I vowed - I will stay home this weekend. I don't mean that I won't leave my house. Errand running is welcome. I do, however, plan for this weekend to be mine. My house won't know what hit it. I'll cook there, clean there, sleep there and actually live there. Not to mention that with gas at a ridiculous nation-wide high, I could stand to NOT drive a couple hundred miles this weekend.

If you're looking for me, you'll find me poolside. I plan to work on my tan after I work on my house! ;)

-Lindsay

but I know... it's my own ___ fault. Week 7?

2011-03-08T15:03:00.005-05:00

Ok so I was going to blog yesterday but the day got away from me so perhaps I'll save that update for later in the week because it's Tuesday! And we all know Tuesday means "weigh-in day."

This past week has been quite the fight. In this corner, weighing in at 132 lbs and wearing an olive green dress - Lindsay "the Killer" Barta. In the other corner, weighing in at some astronomical amount and cloaked in hopes, dreams and sprinkles - junk food.

I have a sweet tooth; a whole mouth of them, actually. I will snub my nose at salty snacks like potato chips, pretzels and trail mix in favor of cookies, cakes and chocolates. Last Tuesday set the tone for the entire week when my mother bought a chocolate chip cookie cake in celebration of my finished fast from the week before.

It was glorious. Cookie cake is truthfully my favorite substance on earth. Add to that an entire week of sugar cookies, ice cream, candy bars and more and you've got a recipe for Weight Watchers disaster.

The first week after the fast was hard. For the past three weeks, I had grown accustomed to having very few food limitations. I'd been cramming all 29 of my points, save for a few at breakfast, into my dinners. It was easy! Then lunch comes back into the picture and mucks the whole thing up. Suddenly I'm finding myself really having to sacrifice to stay inside the lines and with family birthdays and waning willpower, I didn't do so hot.

I gained weight this week... and it's nobody's fault but my own.

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 132
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 5.8

Now I'm way behind and I'm worried that this challenge will not end in victory, but I will not accept defeat. I will work as hard as I can for the next 3 weeks to see results. I'd have to lose 1.4 lbs each week to meet my goal of 10 pounds in 10 weeks. For a person of my size, that is quite a daunting challenge. I may not get there, but I'll do my best!

One big life change I've made lately is to try to be active in some way at least 4 to 5 times a week. Last week I walked the dog, went for a run, jogged with a friend and ran a 5k. I hope to add the elliptical trainer, bike riding, and strength training into the mix. On the whole, a more active Lindsay is a healthier Lindsay, and despite bad weigh-ins, I'm feeling positive.

-Lindsay

PS - here's a picture my dad snapped with his cell phone of me during the Zoo Zoom 5k on Saturday.

"10 Pounds in 10 Weeks Challenge" - Week 6

2011-03-01T14:47:00.005-05:00

It's Tuesday and the rain has made me grumpy, so let's just get to it shall we?

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 131.2
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 6.6

Notice anything? This weight looks STRIKINGLY similar to Week 5. That's because I only managed to lost .2 pounds this week. Point...two. That's nothing! I'm pretty disappointed about it, but my friend and fitness pal, Becca Christensen, encouraged me this morning by noting that sometimes after a huge loss like I experienced last week, a so-so week is normal.

Yesterday was the last day of a 21-day fast I experienced with my church family. For my fast, I chose to sacrifice lunches. I wanted something that was sacrificial enough for me to feel it, but flexible enough to not cut out any specific type of food. From 9-5 each day, I didn't eat a thing. I'd drink, mostly water or tea, and often read the Bible when I felt those hunger pains. It was a good feeling to be able to accomplish this and to do it WITH the man I love. Zachary fasted Coca Cola (his one major addiction). Today, we broke our fasts together by going to Lenny's Sub Shop. Zach enjoyed his first coke in three weeks. He said his strength came back like Popeye with Spinach. I was just happy to feel full in the middle of the day for the first time in so long.

This week I've gotta hit the exercise hard. No more excuses like "I can't run because I haven't eaten anything today." It's back to the drawing board, back to burning some serious calories, and back to building some muscle.

Things I'm thankful for:
1) Spicy Mustard
2) "Spirit Ride" spin class
3) Zach's uncanny ability to make me feel like the most important person in the world.
4) Parents' night.
5) Charlie Sheen quotes

-Lindsay

Thank You.

2011-02-28T23:13:00.001-05:00

I’ve made an unofficial goal for myself. I haven’t really publicized it or talked about it too much to my friends because I’ve already made so many goals lately that I’m actually apprehensive about taking on another one. My semi-secret goal is to read a book each month of this year.

I know. Twelve books in a year. That’s all? I should be ashamed of myself. The thing is, as much as I love to read and as much as I love the idea of being a reader… I just haven’t made time for it. However, this year seems like the year to make the big changes, so there’s really no better time than the present to intentionally be a reader. (Side note – I did read all 7 Harry Potter books in about a month and a half last year. And the year before that, I read the Twilight saga. That’s gotta count for something, right?)

I also want to be diverse in my book selection. I want to read everything from self-help books, to Biblical devotionals, to novels. I find that reading helps my vocabulary and overall mental stimulation. Knowing more and broadening my horizons has got to be a good thing. Suggestions are welcome.

That said, here’s my list so far:

JANUARY: How To Beat A Bad Break Up – a novel by Shayna Lance

(note – I am not, nor am I planning to go through a bad break up. I read this story because 1) I have gone through one in the past and I am able to relate. 2) I know the author and she’s the bees knees and 3) It was hilarious)

FEBRUARY: Simple Ideas for Healthy Living – First Place 4 Health.

This was the perfect time for me to read this book. It’s basically a devotional meant to promote health in all areas of life – physical, mental, and spiritual. There was so much information to absorb in this book (it’s really more of a reference) that I wanted to take some specific ideas and make sure I retained them.

First of all, I found the chapters dealing with nutrition to be particularly intriguing. The older I get and the higher the obesity rate in America gets, the more I find myself searching for answers about real good nutrition. I know that there is no secret to weight loss. The reality is that weight is lost when more calories are burned than are taken in to the body. But more than that, the content of these calories has become important. As I’ve said before, I no longer just want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. I recommend this book as a reference for building a lifestyle of real health – a diet full of nutrients, a life that is active, a mind that is stable, and a heart that is devoted to Christ.

The second chapter that I found interesting and potentially life changing was one that suggested that you keep a Thankfulness Journal. This journal is different from a blog or prayer journal you might keep. It is simply a place where you write down the things you are thankful for at that moment. I find the small things the most enjoyable. This weekend, as I reflected, I found myself thankful for beautiful Florida weather, for Velveeta Shells & Cheese, and for the opportunity to catch up with old friends.

The thing is… no matter what kind of day you’re having, there is always something small for which you can be thankful. It is reflecting on those things that will, in the long run, change your outlook on life. When you list the things you’re thankful for, they should be short statements. I like to choose the first things that come to mind.

Today’s choices:

1) Crab cakes
2) Zach’s love & skills in the kitchen
3) Brilliant Filmmaking like The King’s Speech
4) New Opportunities (and a God who always provides)
5) Memory foam pillows.

Thankfulness. It’s part of the grown life.

-Lindsay

"Did you just make a plan to plan?" and Week 5!

2011-02-23T14:02:00.004-05:00

Week 5 is here and I was a day late weighing in. I was really worried about this one because yesterday, February 22nd, was my boyfriend's birthday. Like most of us, Zach loves to drag his birthday celebrations on for several days and that means a lot of special dinners and special nights out.

Currently, I'm reading a book called Simple Ideas for Healthy Living from the folks at First Place 4 Health. It's about promoting good health in every area of your life, and it's full of easy tips and small adjustments that can help you lead a healthier life overall. In their chapter on Healthy Strategies for Social Situations, they discuss several ways to avoid pitfalls during "special occasions." This is huge for me because I'm a big believer in letting yourself really enjoy the "wins" in life. I just wouldn't forgive myself if I had taken Zach out to Texas de Brazil for his birthday and NOT enjoyed the massive array of decadent food. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to make a plan!

Generally these special occasions don't just creep up on you. For the most part you know about important birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries weeks if not months in advance. As you start to finalize details such as restaurant locations or who's-bringing-what if it's a potluck event, you can start to make some guidelines for eating.

If I can, I like to check the nutrition information on restaurant websites. This way, when I head to dinner I already have an idea of one or two dishes that would be a good choice. If it's a get-together in a home, I contact the host and ask if there are healthy options. I often offer to bring my own substitutions in addition to the item I've been signed up for. (For example: I may offer to bring fat free hot dogs or turkey burgers for grilling). Then I generally bring a slimmed down version of a dessert or side item so that I know I have my main meal taken care of.

The biggest thing planning helps me do is that it allows me to look at a whole week, determine how many weight watcher points (or calories if you count that way) I'm going to want to save for that day. Then I plan the days that I can afford to be stingy and throw in some extra workouts where necessary. So far, it's worked nicely for me.

On to the results! Somehow, in the midst of Zach's birthday weekend... Lots of cake, lots of steak, and lots of karaoke gave way to an INCREDIBLE weigh in.

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 131.4
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 6.4

I will start by saying I have absolutely NO IDEA how I lost 2.4 pounds this week. I was well behaved but I wasn't a machine. I'm still fasting lunch for religious purposes, so it's possible that the fast has finally caught up with me and is really affecting my numbers. It's possible that the high fiber oatmeal that I've made a part of my daily breakfast routine joined forces with Alex Hansen's spicy chili, eaten last Wednesday, and cleaned house.

Either way, I'm not complaining. I really hope this big loss gives me some leeway and momentum carrying into the last half of this "10 Pounds in 10 Weeks" Challenge! Bring it on, week 6!

-Lindsay

My Funny Valentine - AND "10 Pounds in 10 Weeks Challenge"

2011-02-15T11:48:00.003-05:00

Have I mentioned that my boyfriend is the bees knees?

I know, no one wants to hear about how happy I am. It's always much more interesting to hear from miserable spinsters. Truthfully though, I am amazingly blessed to have Zachary. He's more than I ever could have dreamed up in a man. He is honestly interested in my life and the things I care about and our love is just so incredibly comfortable. I couldn't ask for more.

He took me to The Rusty Pelican for dinner. It was delicious. I recommend it to anyone looking for fine dining with an amazing view. They have these huge floor-to-ceiling windows that look right out onto the bay. Breathtaking as the sun is setting I'm sure, though we got there a little bit later.

A while back I mentioned to Zach that I'd like to watch all of the Disney Animated Features in the order that they were released. Zach picked up Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to start us off and we watched it. It's amazing how mellow cartoons were when they didn't have to entertain an ADHD audience. I kept dozing off and waking back up thinking, "she's STILL hanging out with the dwarves? Let's see some action already!" Also... is it proper to say "dwarfs" or "dwarves"? This is an issue I'd like cleared up.

I basically ate my weight in food last night at The Rusty Pelican, leaving absolutely no room for dessert. I was pretty scared about my weigh in this morning. Fasting lunch everyday for religious purposes has inadvertently left me with a lot more flexibility with my Weight Watchers points, but this week has been a hard one.

Check it out:

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 133.8
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 4

I'm pleased with that! Four pounds in four weeks. I'm on the right track. Difficulties this week include TWO days at the fair, eating deep fried food. I made some wiser choices, choosing pizza over krispy kreme donut burgers and sharing a cinnamon roll with my boyfriend instead of inhaling the whole thing myself. I also didn't want to limit myself on Valentine's Day, so I ate some of the more fattening things on the menu - shrimp wrapped in bacon, lobster bisque and a humungous steak (which I couldn't even finish half of). Needless to say, if this had been a normal week and I had eaten lunch every day, I don't think I would've lost at all.

Thanks Jesus, for changing my life, saving me, and keepin' me skinny. Love you.

-Lindsay

"10 Pounds in 10 Weeks Challenge" - Week 3

2011-02-08T13:17:00.003-05:00

You will notice that week 2 is missing a post. That's because I gained weight and was busy drowning in my own self-pity to write about it.

On to better things! Today was a new weigh in day!

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 134.8
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 3

This week I was down 1.2 lbs. Which is great. That makes up for the .2 that I gained last week and it has me right on target with 3 pounds in 3 weeks, but I'm kind of nervous. The smaller I get, the more difficult it will be to lose large quantities like a whole pound. I was hoping to pull ahead in the beginning and with being right "on target" I'm going to have to work even harder in the gym and on the streets.

The biggest healthy-highlight of my week was definitely a 10 mile bike ride on Saturday morning with the love of my life, Zach. We didn't go very fast, it was just leisurely, but it was enough to give me a few weight watchers activity points back to prepare me for grazing during the Super Bowl. Most of all, though, it was a chance to share my newfound love for fitness with my boyfriend. See Zach has "bad knees." I don't know the actual medical terminology, but both of his knees have become dislocated when he used to play soccer and now the slightest wrong turn can send it out-of-whack. He can't do high-impact activity anymore like running, so I haven't been able to share that part of my life with him. A bike ride is just the thing to strengthen his knees and get us out breathing the fresh morning air. The real miracle was getting him to wake up before noon on a Saturday.

Last night he told me he wants to start spending some workout time with me each week. It's basically the best Valentine's Day gift I could get.

In other news, I just started my fast yesterday and so far so good. Today, my friend Leslie and I walked the mall at lunch time. We have a standing Tuesday lunch date where we catch up on each other's lives over some of our favorite food. She's been gracious enough to walk the mall with me on Tuesdays for the next three weeks and get food on her way back to the office. Next time I'll remember better walking shoes.

I think I'm going to get a pedometer. It will come in handy during trips like those and I'm also really curious about how far I walk during an average trip to one of the Disney parks.

The lesson for this week is to find enjoyment in being active... and to always be responsible for your actions, in food and in life.

That's it for me today!

-Lindsay

"To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke"

2011-02-07T11:31:00.002-05:00

Awakening 21 is the name of the church-wide fast that The Crossing Church is doing together. This couldn't come at a better time for me. There are things that I feel I need to really face in my life and changes I need to make. I'm on a roll with lifestyle changes lately. I've cleaned up my diet, stuck with exercising, made my quiet time more of a priority and have even stopped biting my nails. I feel that all of this organizing is a good thing and yet it will all fall apart if I don't get to the heart of it all.

Who I am.

I've changed a lot in the past year or so. I'm growing up. My needs and wants are changing. My goals and expectations for adulthood are becoming more of a reality. I'm placing priority on things like my own health and wellness and trying to become more aware of the world. I have a lot of theories for why a change like this is taking place at 26 instead of 20 or 21 when most people find themselves.

The truth is, I did find myself back then... but it was a slightly different Lindsay. I had a different life planned and through the actions of others and reactions of my own, I was forced up in the air and out of my comfortable life. I feel that I'm just starting to land. And as the pendulum swings back to a place of stability it's time to take a real look at who I was before and who I've become and what I want to keep and what I want to throw out.

I think this fasting experience will be a real eye-opener for me... and a chance to get back to the passion I once had for God and his mission here on earth. That's what I'm praying for anyway.

So today is day 1 of my 21 day fast. I'm fasting from 9-5 every day. So far I haven't felt any hunger pains but it's almost lunch time and I plan to stick my nose in the book!

-Lindsay

Click here for more information about Awakening 21.

Just wanted to share this...

2011-02-04T16:15:00.008-05:00

Yeaahhhhh!!!

De-feet-ed.

2011-02-03T13:31:00.003-05:00

There's a lot to talk about and none of it is particularly interesting. I should've blogged Tuesday... I feel like if I spill it all out now, it will be completely incohesive. It's mostly just my ranting and processing so if you stick around for the ride, you're a real pal. Here goes.

Tuesday was weigh-in day... let's just say I was extremely disappointed. Either I did something really wrong in my eating this past week or I'm retaining oodles and oodles of water. Instead of losing weight as I had anticipated, I gained .2 lbs. I know... why should I be so upset about .2?? Well when you're expecting -1, +.2 is actually a pretty big let down.

I'm not sure if the new Weight Watchers PointsPlus plan is for me. I'm going to give it another fighting chance and hope for better results.

Additionally, I cut my foot open pretty bad AGAIN running on Monday night (hence the blog title). Add that to the stain I got on my favorite dress, my computer crashing first thing in the morning, and the fact that my bangs just would-not-lay-down and you're looking at a pretty rotten morning.

I was beginning to feel defeated... in more ways than just those.

I should note that a VERY special meeting on Tuesday lead to the ultimate bright side of the day. Some things I was praying and hoping for in earnest have finally come to pass and I'm finally feeling a definite shift into my future as a grown-up. Big girl job ahoy!

But, more on that later.

I went for a run last night and as I ran, I prayed for half of it. This is part of my new years resolution to combine my spiritual disciplines with my physical ones. The fatigue hit me fast. Dieting is always hard on my workouts. It makes me feel like I've just got so much less to give. I suppose that's how it's supposed to feel. Like I'm working harder, using more, getting results. But as I ran yesterday evening and the heat exuded from my face, I felt totally defeated. Not just defeated physically, but defeated spiritually and emotionally.

A simple task like vacuuming my floor has been put off for weeks. I know that doesn't sound important but it's driving me crazy. I spend so little time in my own home by myself. I'm always out with people or home entertaining guests. Even guests who are more "family" than they are formality are beginning to affect my peace. Allow me to explain.

On Monday I had a mind to do nothing but go for a run and clean my house. Down time. Chill time. Needed relaxation. Then I found out my boyfriend was having a terrible day. We disagreed a little and that's so rare that I wanted to really focus on him... and us... and helping him talk through it all. We had dinner down by the beach and talked, just enjoying each other's company and working through what was ailing him. We watched one of my favorite movies and then I ran the two miles that I promised myself I'd run. By then it was time for Zach to go and for me to head to sleep.

Tuesday night is parents' night. I always have dinner with them and catch up, making sure they know I love them and that I'm still a part of their lives. I meant to leave at 9:00 to try to clean the house that I'd neglected the night before but my mom encouraged me to stay and watch a hilarious edition of what not to wear before leaving at 10. I got home at 10:30 and started cleaning. By the time I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen and about half of the living room, my legs were weary and with walls as paper thin as mine, I would've woken up half of my apartment complex with my vacuum cleaner.

Wednesday nights lately I've been hanging out with my friends Kristen and Alex for American Idol and Toddlers and Tiaras. Guilty pleasure, I know, but mostly it's a chance to catch up with Kristen and stay in her life. Toddlers and Tiaras ends at 11 and with a 20 minute drive home, it's too late to vacuum once again. I read a few pages of a new book - that's a plus. I've never really had much time to read.

I know what you're thinking. It's my choices that are leading to this stress. I chose a date night, my parents' dinner and a friend's company over the house work. It's so difficult to turn down people who are more important than a vacuum cleaner. It seems like there's ALWAYS SOMETHING grabbing at my attention. I've divied so much of my life up for so many people that I don't feel like I'm juggling anymore... I feel like I'm drowning. And my dirty floor is just a reminder that I want a break! But a break doesn't fix it. It's my life. I read facebook statuses from people that say "I'm bored, anyone want to hang out?" and I feel like throwing my computer against a wall. They don't know how lucky they are. People who live in routine, always coming home to their family and making dinner are enviable. I buy myself groceries and fresh fruits and veggies go to waste because I'm literally not in my own home enough days and nights to eat them.

Finally last night I committed it to the Lord. Please, God, help me not to drown in this. Help me to belong to you first so that I have enough to give to others and still have at least a moment for me.

This morning felt much better. Learning to manage the grown life.

- Lindsay

PS - I'm DEFINITELY vacuuming tonight OR ELSE!

My world is a flood...

2011-01-31T11:22:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I was making the drive from New Tampa to my home in St. Petersburg, like I do so often. Most of my friends live in the New Tampa area, so when I go to see them I usually pack an overnight bag. My apartment is close to work but far from everything else in my world and I kind of like it that way. It provides necessary separation from everything else. I'm kind of a loner at times. I really love that I can tell people I don't want to come all the way across the bridge to do something and it's completely understandable.

Anyway... I was driving home and I don't really listen to the radio that much anymore. Jason Derulo singing his own name at the start of his music really ruined Top 40 for me. I plugged the ol' iPhone into my aux jack and hit shuffle.

I like hitting shuffle. You never know if you're going to get Phantom of the Opera or 50 Cent. I should mention that I haven't really updated my music much in the past few years. My old ipod had broken and my boyfriend was kind enough to pull the music off of it around Christmas time.

Turning it on was like opening a time capsule.

The Casting Crowns song "Who Am I?" came on. I remember loving that song back then. Why did I love it so much? I asked myself and started to sing along. Then it was like images flashed through my mind. Human video images... but I knew I never sent this song to a competition. Why was I remembering movements and plans? What sort of dance did I write to this back when I was a pastor...so...very long ago?

I started to get images of pencil on paper. Blocking. For a drama... a dance... something that's both. I expanded my view in my memory. Where was I writing on the paper? Then I saw myself sitting, in pajamas that didn't belong to me, on my now ex-fiance's bed. I was helping him hash out an idea HE had for the song. That explains why I didn't take it to a competition. It was never finished because we broke up before it had the chance.

As I remembered every sweeping move and story line to the song, I started to feel strange. It was probably the first time in a long time that I felt any sort of fondness when remembering my short time as a pastor.

I realized that I want some of that back. Not the career choice, per se. But me. I want a little bit of who I was back. I feel like some sort of shell of who Lindsay really is. Void of real drive. All ambition and purpose replaced with cynicism and overall grumpiness. I'm not the same girl I used to be so I can't really go back. I can't sit in the same kind of church I was in before and feel at home... but there's something missing in my life. There's something empty about me anymore. It's strange because my life is so full in some ways. Zach makes my life full of more love than I ever imagined. I'm independent, free, and starting to actually gain some ground in my career. But there's still some kind of missing warmth that this flood of old emotions brought to light.

I don't want to be the girl I was... but I want to push the "reset" button as my Pastor, Greg Dumas says. My church is participating in a 21 day fast and I think I want to participate in some way. I'm not sure I want to go all full-fledged Daniel fast about it... especially with Valentine's Day smack in the middle of it all.

This will take some prayer and thought. Just wanted to let you know where my head's at...

-Lindsay

"10 Pounds in 10 Weeks Challenge" - Week 1

2011-01-25T09:25:00.002-05:00

Ok ladies and gentlemen! Last week I issued a challenge to myself. To lose 10 pounds in the 10 weeks leading up to my boyfriend's Spring Break. Here's hopin' we go somewhere special and that I have a nice bikini body when we do!

Everybody needs a little accountability in their lives, so I figured I'd be accountable to you guys... that is assuming anyone reads my blog... and that may be assuming a lot.

Anyway, I began my quest to lost 10 pounds last Wednesday. I had weighed myself the morning before so we'll take that as my starting weight. Each week I'll let you know how much weight I've lost or gained and anything that I found particularly challenging or interesting.

STARTING WEIGHT: 137.8
CURRENT WEIGHT: 135.8
TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 2

As you can see, week one has gone swimmingly! Sure, there were pitfalls and sacrifices. For instance, I ate 3 pieces of cake on Wednesday evening, a mere 3 hours after vowing to lose 10 pounds. That meant that I had to be extra careful with the rest of my week. Adora's birthday dinner was Friday and that would normally be cause for a little splurging on my part. Especially at a delicious Japanese steak house. I love teppanyaki! It's delicious... but I was good. I ordered steamed white rice instead of fried and passed on the yummy yummy sauce. (Who passes on the yummy yummy sauce?!!? Someone driven, that's who.) I also split all my food in half from the very start and only ate a moderate portion at dinner. While everyone else was grunting and groaning toward the door, I felt satisfied and proud of myself.

I continued to make wise food choices and used the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program to the best of my ability. I only ran one time last week and it was difficult. This next week I'm going to try to incorporate more activity into my weight loss plan.

Let's do this!

This is my prayer in the harvest...

2011-01-24T10:42:00.006-05:00

A typical provision testimony goes one of two ways.

The first is when God gives an increase in some way. These are the stories about raises, promotions, gifts and other blessings. Things you needed, asked for and received. This is the kind of provision we usually seek.

The second is the type we often go unaware of. The times that God blesses and provides by keeping you from problems. These are the testimonies where people say things like, "on paper, it never made sense... I don't know how I continually was able to make my rent that year." These are the blessings we forget to thank God for, but they're also the things we could never have controlled even if we tried.

I have a story like this.

It starts a little more than 4 years ago. I had just had a bad accident that almost totaled my beloved Classy Yaris. Because the Yaris was a brand-spankin'-new car - not just for me, but also for the United States - fixing the car was extremely difficult. Any parts that Toyota had were being put into manufacturing new cars. My car was one month old, to the day, when I crashed it. It was a 2007 model. This was November 30, 2006. I'm telling you.. this thing was new.

I spent 3 months without my car. I hitched rides with my then-fiance and relied on the kindness of friends, all the while waiting for the car to be fixed. My insurance company (which was the one I'd always had, the one my parents had, etc.) gave me the run-around on information and proved to be extremely unhelpful. After the accident I vowed to be insured by someone else. I did it all by myself.

I've always been very independent. I have my awesome parents to thank for that. One thing about being independent when you're in your early 20's, though, is that you don't always know what you're doing. I chose an insurance policy online. I named my own price like the commercial says. I didn't know what collision was. I didn't know what comprehensive was. I didn't know how much bodily injury coverage I should have. I'm a kid, for cryin' out loud!

Somehow, I ended up with a policy that was affordable, but missing collision insurance. I even got emails from my insurance carrier telling me that I was probably missing something I needed but I'm poor! I can't be bothered with trivial things like that.

For years I've been living with no collision on my policy. Every rainy day that my tires skid... every time a person has cut me off... God has held my tiny little Classy Yaris in the palm of his hand and kept me from harm.

I can't imagine how, on a budget so thin you can see through it, I would have handled having to pay for any damage to my car. God knew that... and he provided. He's kept me safe supernaturally for years.

Can you think of any time that God has provided for you without you even realizing it? Has he kept you healthy when you didn't have health insurance? Has he kept your pantry full with extra things friends have had that they didn't need?

Remember to praise God not just for the good things that happen, but also for the bad things that don't. He's got your back as you figure out your way in the grown life.

-Lindsay

PS - my insurance is straightened out now :) Don't worry!

I love a goal!

2011-01-19T14:47:00.002-05:00

Here's the thing about me. Without a goal, I'm a lazy slob. It's like "without vision the people perish" but less about the Bible and more about Cheetos.

I constantly have to have something that I'm working for or else I start to despair and give up. Of course I want a bikini body. I live in Florida! It's only fitting! But it seems that in my roller-coaster of weight, I've never had the chance to enjoy the sun when I'm at my most fit. That's why I've set a new, challenging, yet attainable goal for myself.

I want to lose 10 pounds by March 28th.

Why March 28th, you ask? Well there's more than one reason.

First, it's the start of my beloved boyfriend's Spring Break! Can you say fun and sun? Imagine how quickly I'll get a tan if I'm only a fraction of my current size! The sun will barely have to work at all!

Secondly, it's about 10 weeks away from today. Which means I'll be losing about 1 pound a week. That's both attainable AND healthy!

It's gonna take work, blog friends. Losing one pound is equivalent to burning about 3,500 additional calories. That means I need a calorie deficit (whether by diet or exercise) of 500 calories per day to do this. But I love goals. I love things that make me get up and move.

How 'bout you? What are you working toward?

-Lindsay

I Whip My Hair Back And Forth!

2011-01-14T13:50:00.006-05:00

You know how when you're sleep deprived, everything is hilarious? That's basically the way my last weekend went and now that I'm trying to tell everyone about it, they don't get why I was in hysterics. Enter the song "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth." All weekend long we sang this infectious tune... whether we wanted to or not. It just grabs 'hold of your brain and refuses to let go. It seems like the perfect way to summarize Ragnar.

...So I feel I must write a blog entry to let you guys know about the amazing accomplishment I've tackled in my life. The Ragnar Relay Florida Keys ... a 191 mile relay race from Key Biscayne in Miami to the Southernmost Hotel in Key West. A...mazing. I won't bother you with the play-by-play (it literally took me 3 hours to tell my boyfriend every detail), but I will tell you that it was so much harder than I anticipated, and the sense of accomplishment is so much greater!

It's not just the running... it's the running, sleep deprivation, cramped stinky van, forgetting to eat... all those things make it incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding. I've grown closer to some friends over the past weekend and it makes me feel that... even a Grinch like me might grow a heart someday.

I spent half of my longest run in prayer, thanking God for the amazing body he gave me, for the incredible creation I was running through, and for the ability to be a part of something so incredible.

This has fueled my desire to push my body to the limits I have in my mind and truly do things I never dreamed possible. I actually believe in myself. There was never really a moment during Ragnar where I didn't believe that I could run my next leg.

I want to be a healthy person. I want to feel good about what I take in and what I put out. I feel like this year may be a turning point for me... and I think Ragnar was very instrumental in that shift.

For me... the grown life is going to be a healthy life.

-Lindsay

PS - for more of my pictures from the race, CLICK HERE!

Hit the road running...

2011-01-03T13:12:00.006-05:00

It's 2011. Time for resolutions, second chances, declarations. I had two resolutions this year. Simply saying "I'll be healthier" doesn't cut it. Any chance of me sticking to these changes requires education and determination. It also requires maturation, inspiration! and...seeing-how-far-I've-come...ation. With all that in mind... here is my mind and spirit two-fold resolution plan.

Body.

2010 was an interesting year for me physically. I lost a ton of weight and looked all kinds of heroin-addict chic around the middle of the year. I vowed to be a runner and actually committed to it, running a few 5ks and training for a relay race (which is coming up THIS week... eek!). Then I ballooned up to my highest weight in years just because it was "the holidays." This can't be healthy.

My goal this year is to take my body waaay past my perceived limitations (ation!) with one big...hulking...crazy...insane... goal. The Walt Disney World Half Marathon, January 2012. At the beginning of 2010 I couldn't run a mile to save my life. Now, I'm about to take part in a race called the Ragnar Relay Florida Keys with a group of friends and acquaintances. Sure, I have the position with the shortest total distance (9.5 miles) and yeah, my longest leg is only 4.2 miles. But the fact that I even believe I'm remotely capable of such a thing shows how far I've come in just under a year. If I can run 5 miles in one stretch now, 13 can't be that far away.

With this mammoth of a goal, I recognize the fact that I cannot continue to live my life, day in and day out, the way I always have. Shoveling chinese food and entire packages of cookie dough in my mouth does not make for good running fuel. I aim to learn a little more about the ways different foods affect my body. I plan to use food on a more nutritional level and on less of a "please coat everything in cheese" level. Mmm... cheese...

On that note, I will not be ridiculous. Food is amazing. I will enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it.

My new aim is not to be waif thin... but to be in good shape. I want to know I'm taking care of the body God has given me. Oh... and having abs would be pretty awesome too.

2. Spirit.

Have you ever had a moment when you just stop and think... "I'm spewing all kinds of venom."? I have lately. You know it's bad when the default setting for your face is scowly. That's how I feel like I've been lately. Possibly all of 2010... maybe longer. I find the more honest I become with myself and with others, the more negative that honesty ends up being.

I like being honest. If I hate your new haircut I probably won't tell you that I like it if you ask me. If you ask me if something was "Soooo fun" and I don't think it was anything to write home about, I'll tell you "eh it was ok." Did you want me to lie to you?

I find, though, that the more honest I am lately, the more my honesty tends to be very cynical and just downright grumpy. Zach's been calling me "The Grinch" all holiday season. I find I am rolling my eyes at everything I read on facebook anymore. (but let's be real... most of the things you post are totally eye-roll-worthy. Right?)

In the midst of my cynicism I've found that I don't really have much passion anymore. My days and weeks roll into each other and I forget what I was working toward or what I was looking forward to. Really... where has Lindsay gone?

She got lost somewhere in the shuffle. Maybe packed in a box when I moved from apartment to apartment, and shoved in storage.

My belief in God's power and love for him, while still undeniable, are a shell of what they were. Raising my hands in worship feels like a memory of a feeling. Like trying to remember what wind felt like on your face when you rode a bike for the first time. You're still on the bike, but where are you going?

Approaching my waning prayer life now is almost embarrassing. "Hi God.. this is weird..."

It takes discipline. Something I've only started to develop in the past year of running races. It seems wrong that I should apply discipline to my running shoes and not to the God of the universe. So I combined them.

I set out on a run last week and for 2 miles, instead of distracting myself with music, I just spoke. I talked about how great Zach is and how grateful I am for him. I talked about how grumpy I've been. I talked about how I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I talked about problems I've been having at work.

After a while it was a two way conversation again. I wasn't just talking, I was listening. I was realizing things... I was receiving answers to my questions. I was still. It was pleasant. The pain in my legs wasn't important.

I realized that in order to feed my spirit, I was going to have to make prayer a priority. So I'm going to start by giving God the first half of every run I do. As my miles progress this may or may not change. But for now, if I'm running 2 miles, God and I will talk for the first one. If it's 5 miles, the first 2.5 are a prayer.

This week, church felt different. Instead of being painfully aware of every lighting cue and lower third, I actually participated. Really worshiped. Really listened. There's the difference.

Let's see what The Grown Life brings in 2011, shall we?

-Lindsay

Oh whoa... hey there blog! Forgot about you!

2010-12-21T09:14:00.002-05:00

Wow... it's been like 4 months since I've blogged. Sorry about that, world. Well... let's see...

What's happened since August?

1) I've gained at least 10 pounds. I know... I was all about my weight loss -- and I still do care! It's just... I really can't compete with the holidays. From October through December there are so many global holidays and personal milestones that require celebrating... and celebration requires food... and if I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times... I just LOVE food.

2) I might be getting a job promotion! The quest for a big girl job continues. I had my performance review in October which I used to dazzle the management and ask that they restructure my position and compensation. Here's crossing my fingers that it happens!

3) Runnin' runnin' ... My Ragnar Relay is less than 3 weeks away. I can't believe it's finally here. I don't think I'll ever really feel prepared for it, but at least I know that I didn't give up and I'm out there running multiple times a week. Last week I even did 3 complete runs in 24 hours, which is comparable to what I'll be doing in the relay. I can't wait to be in the stinky van with my teammates, doing something few people can say they accomplished!

So what's actually worth talking about? Why blog today?

I think I've learned a little bit more about who I am, what I want, and what I don't want... I feel like by age 26 the desire to have a family should've hit me by now. I know I'm not married and my boyfriend is very young, but that said... shouldn't I see my friends who are in their mid-late twenties with a toddler on their hip and think "I can't wait to be a mom"? ...Cause right now all I can think is "Ugh God... they brought their kid with them? This is gonna be really lame."

It really makes me ask the question... Do I ever want to be a mom? Do I ever want my facebook photos to switch from pictures of food, Zach, and general hilarity to dozens and dozens of photos of my tiny clone? I honestly can't say yes. Sure, I think about baby names. What little boy names sound good with "Williams..." I think everyone does that... but when I'm with Zach and we go out and have a good time all I can think is that I just want to be alone with him forever. ...except maybe with a dog.

I sat in front of a camp fire with a good friend of mine a few weeks ago and he told me that his goal in life is to be a really great dad. He's not married yet, no kids on the immediate horizon, yet still this is something he wants. He wants to have them soon so that he's not old when they're growing up. ...It sounded awful to me. The only time I could even think about giving that much of my time and energy to another person who constantly needed me would be after every fun thing in my life was already gone. I can't imagine doing it during my best years. I know this sounds critical of people who have made the choice to be parents and I don't mean for it to be. I just truly want to run as far away from that image as possible.

Everyone tells me this will pass. Someday, someday, someday... someday I'll want a family. I'll be like everyone else. Really? Do people change that much?

Are you allowed to pick and choose pieces of the Grown Life?

More later. Nice to see you again, blog.

-Lindsay

Suck It Up

2010-09-07T14:06:00.000-04:00

One of the least fun things about becoming a grown up is the idea that you are now responsible for your own emotions and the expression of them must now be done cautiously and with forethought.

There were days when a miscommunication with a friend could result in any of the delightful fight tactical responses; there was the cold shoulder, rumors behind their back, yelling, passive aggressive sarcasm, or my personal favorite: pretending the person no longer exists.

Adulthood does not allow for these types of responses. If you don’t believe me try any of the fight tactics on your boss and see how long you can keep your job while using them. We can no longer be immature in our emotions, we have to come to terms with mistreatment and hurt feelings, (even the times when our feelings were hurt on purpose) sigh at our lack of ability to change them, the past and other people and just move on.

There if a silver lining to this grown up change. As an adult you won’t get calls from your friends explaining that they have had a fight with a mutual friend and that you must now pick whose side you will be on or you will lose them both for life. Essentially, the down side is you can’t act like an overly emotional idiot, and the up side is neither can anyone else.

Suck it up, it’s the Grown Life.

Single on Purpose

2010-08-24T22:05:00.002-04:00

At some point in the grown life, you may find yourself suddenly alone, stunned, stumbling around like a new born fawn trying to walk in the dark. This is called a break up. My last break up kept me in this new born fawn state for quite awhile.

I’ve never been a proponent of single-hood. I’m a firm believer that we serve a God who is all about relationships, and we as humans are by default, in constant need of human companionship. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows I’m a relationship girl. I always have been. Which is what makes my recent decision one that I can only blame on being more grown up than I have been before. I had always heard people in their mid 20’s going through dating fasts and frankly I always thought that was a bit stupid or that they were just hoping that their plan would backfire and they would end up married before the end of the committed “single time.” In spite of all my past judgment I too have come up with a similar plan to fast romance.

So my genius plan is this: 6 months single.

It is my goal to use the next six months to become whoever I want to be for the rest of my life. I want to use this time to better myself in many aspects. I plan on losing weight, and getting in shape. I’m going to work on being more of an encourager and less sarcastic. I want to master CSS/HTML and start working with my brother-in-law on web sites. I am going to learn to surf and hopefully even learn Spanish. I will be moving into a bigger apartment, getting a roommate and maybe even a motorcycle.

I’m not just doing this in hopes of a Where’s Waldo effect. (where the person who is really looking for Waldo can never find him, but the person who looks over their shoulder for two seconds finds him right away) I am however excited by the idea that I don’t have to worry about looking for a guy, keeping an eye out for Mr. Right, or even bothering to do my make-up when I don’t feel like it. I’m excited that at the end of this fast/season/experiment (or whatever you want to call it) I will be much closer to the type of girl, the type of guy I want to marry, would want to marry.

So let the 6 months of ‘single on purpose’ begin! Just another season in the grown life.

Staying in touch with my inner child...

2010-08-19T13:45:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday my boyfriend suggested we go to Downtown Disney just to walk around, perhaps grab a bite to eat at T-Rex Cafe, and window shop. We both really enjoy Disney so even though my legs were already hurting from earlier that morning (I had helped assist a photographer friend of mine with a shoot), I agreed. I packed up the car and we headed out to Kissimmee, listening to Disney classics the whole way.

When we got there, Zach conveniently "missed" the exit to Downtown Disney. I complained that he needed to be paying closer attention but I soon realized that this "mistake" was entirely intentional (he's a terrible liar).

Before I knew it, we were driving toward the Magic Kingdom. I started complaining right away that it was a terrible waste of money to go to one of the parks for just a few hours. It was already 5:30 pm and there's no way we'd get our money's worth. Zach pulled up to the parking window (it's a very "reasonable" FOURTEEN DOLLARS to park nowadays) and flashed some papers that he had been hiding. The guy let him through and that's when I knew he had done something "bad." If that man was willing to let us go without paying a whopping $14... just what did Zach buy??

Finally, as we parked our car, Zach let me in on the secret. As I was packing my things into the car, he had bought us PREMIUM Disney Annual Passes. Premium. Zach doesn't go halfway on things. He and I are polar opposites when it comes to purchasing things. I want the cheapest option, he wants the best quality option. I had always hoped that this would help us meet in the middle with decisions. Clearly, I wasn't a part of the Great Disney Pass Decision of 2010. But I had to grin. Zach always knows how to take care of me... and part of that means doing the things I would never, ever, in a million years do for myself.

We are going to have a ridiculous amount of fun with these passes. We're going to ride rides and take photos. I've found that an important part of the grown life is to stay in touch with my inner child. She really likes ice cream and roller coasters.

Manna Manna Manna Manna Rockin' Everywhere!

2010-08-03T13:28:00.001-04:00

What was Paul smoking? ::

"...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...-Philippians 4:12"

Safe to say, I have NOT mastered this yet. It may be just as safe to say I never will. If history is any indicator, I am the least content person in the history of the world. I find this to be most true when it comes to my relationship with God. I am not a person who looks at God like a genie in a bottle, in fact I have always handled God saying no to whatever requests I made of him, fairly well. Where I tend to totally mess up is when he says "Yes!" but not in the way I wanted him to say yes.

Recently, I have been struggling with making friends in the new town the Lord moved me to nearly a year ago. For awhile I was content to be by myself in my spare time, breaking my social solitude with a 5 hour (each way) drive back home to see my 'real friends'. However if you know me, you know I was not built to be alone. I thrive when i'm around other people and involved in their lives. I also, had never had a problem making friends so when I finally gave up on living a life without other people I expected the friend making process to go quickly and smoothly as it always has in my past. This was not the case. I prayed fervently for friends and when I would meet people, we just wouldn't click and I would toss the idea of them as a friend aside and keep on searching. I kept praying and meeting people for the first time, then deciding to never meet with them again. For awhile I was beginning to think that God didn't want me to be friends. On that subject I approached him with anger and questioning, backtalk and sass. "Why don't you want me to have friends? You are relationship God, why on earth do you want me to have no one in my life?!" This went on for awhile.

Then I read Exodus.

I sat there thinking to myself. "You stupid Israelites! God is giving you this magical food that no one else in the history of the world has ever had, and that no one else will ever have again, and you COMPLAIN?!" You see, the Israelites wanted food, but not the food that God had given them. The way they complained would have made you think that God wasn't feeding them at all, but this wasn't the case. So I sat there reading away, feeling so sure of myself that I would have eaten the Manna and I would have been so greatful for it. I would never have complained to God like that and I am so great.

Then He said it, then God said "Your Manna is the friends I have given you." Ouch! Way to hit below the belt Jesus!

Naturally God and I went back and forth, because arguing with infinite wisdom always works out for you. (okay, not really) But we went back and forth; I carefully explained to God how my situation was different and yada yada yada. Needless to say, I lost that argument and started to really think about this new truth that God just dropped on me.

You see, I have what I asked for. I have people around me that I like, that are good influences, people who I can learn from and (maybe) teach something to. I couldn't see this because when you're throwing a big tantrum you squeeze your eyes shut so tight that you miss what's going on around you. My manna is good. My manna meets my needs, and as time is passing I'm starting to see that it is exactly what I need right now, and even becoming what I genuinely want.

Accepting my personal history...

2010-08-02T15:22:00.004-04:00

Some of the worst things you can say to a person going through a terrible time are "It all happens for a reason" or "someday, this will all make sense" or my personal least favorite "God is allowing you to go through this so that someday you can help others."

Those sayings are really dumb. They're created by people who have passed painful trials and are standing on the other side, unable to remember quite how sharp the pain felt. As one of those people, I make it a point not to say these things to people in need, but rather to try to identify with them by remembering feelings I used to feel and things I used to say in a more painful time.

Anyway... on this side of hurt, the good side... I've finally found time to become at ease with the things that brought me here. I don't know if I would say grateful, per se... but certainly aware and accepting. It doesn't hurt to talk about the difficult times in my life. In fact, the bad things in my past and the good things in my future are just my testimony!

Which brings me to this important truth in my life. I don't feel the need to keep quiet about my past, or hate those who have brought me pain... because forgiveness is what my God is all about and those difficult things are what made me who I am now. I don't need to forget it ever happened or treat people who have hurt me like the enemy... because quite honestly, that's juvenile. If you can't stand on the other side of something and accept it, you're not done with it yet. That's my thought.

So as the grown life inches on I realize that I am totally at peace with the things that have happened in my past and with who I am now. It wasn't pretty and I'm not so sure it all "happened for a reason," but I will say that I am so insanely blessed, healed and whole... that it doesn't matter. When I encounter people who think I am strange for trying to maintain an amicable relationship with those I once loved, or that think I shouldn't speak of my past, my pain and hurt... I just see people who apparently aren't strong enough to do what God has given me the strength to do: to accept my personal history.

Being too old for this ___...

2010-07-12T10:48:00.003-04:00

So this morning I'm sitting at my desk trying to keep my eyelids open. Somewhere around 10:30am I decided that the fact that I could feel my eyeballs moving around in my skull was a bad thing and that I needed some caffeine to numb the pain. Unfortunately for me, I don't drink coffee... I just could never develop a taste for the stuff. So I'm drinking tea and thinking to myself... When did I get "too old for this ***"?

Last night I traveled to Orlando with some friends. Just about a 1½ to 2 hour drive. We checked out Status, a community of artsy, uber-trendy, deep-v-neck wearing believers meeting at Discovery Church, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised with my experience. I really, genuinely enjoyed it. I felt surprisingly at home... but that's a different blogpost for another time. After Status, we went to eat someplace in downtown Orlando and then hit up Beaches & Cream at one of the Disney resorts before heading home.

At about 10 pm every day as of late I hit this wall of sleepiness that turns me into a very grumpy, partially deaf version of myself. As I sat at Beaches & Cream and I checked my phone, I realized that it was getting later, and later...and later. 11:00... 11:15... 11:45... I was way past my bedtime.

There was a time not too long ago when I would regularly stay out 'til 3 am line dancing with my girls on a Thursday and wake up for work on a Friday. Or what about when Zach and I were first getting to know one another and we'd both stay up until extremely late talking on the phone, knowing that our alarm clocks would be going off to wake us up in just a few hours? Now-a-days the idea of my nice warm bed and my tempurpedic pillow are much more appealing than dancing the night away or late nights outside an ice cream shop. When did I get too old for this?

What happened to my "I'll sleep when I'm dead" mind? When did it turn into "I'd kill for a nap"?

Is twenty-five the new over-the-hill?

::yawn::,
Lindsay

The Grown Weekend

2010-06-28T10:29:00.004-04:00

This weekend was an extremely "grown" experience for me. Warning - it's really not that interesting. :)

To start things off, my boss was gone on Friday so I have been taking care of some things while she's out. The whole managerial thing makes me feel totally important, even if the important stuff was already handled before she left. We've had some personnel shifting during the last month or so. Lots of people out on vacation or various other leaves of absence have made for a lot of covering and cross-training in different departments. My boss has been the jack of all trades, and as a result, I've been doing a lot of her easily-transferable tasks. More responsibility makes for busier workdays (which I love because they move more quickly) and just an over-all feeling of importance.

Additionally, last Friday was my one-year anniversary with the most amazing boyfriend anyone's ever had. He got me a REAL necklace from a jewelry store (because most of my jewelry is from the sale rack at Claire's). He took me to Bern's Steak House (if you don't know about this place, educate yourself. It's redonkulous.) and we ate more food than anyone should be allowed to eat. We split a 14 oz Chateaubriand and basically it was the best thing I've ever eaten. It's always been very difficult for me to enjoy really expensive classy things like that. I usually either don't feel like I fit in, or feel guilty about the amount of money being spent on something that will ultimately be consumed and gone without a trace. It has to do with my upbringing. I thank my parents for making me budget-friendly, independent, and spending-savvy. I don't do shopping sprees. I don't typically buy things unless they're a necessity. Because of this, I've been able to create a life for myself on a very small salary and I'm actually really grateful for it. It does, however, make enjoying the "finer things in life" rather difficult. Zach had to prep me before our dinner... he promised me that he budgeted for this celebration and would not allow me to look at the price of anything. It was one of the best dates I've ever had. :)

Saturday was the "grownest" day of all. After going grocery shopping for all the non-glamorous items like disinfecting wipes and dishwasher detergent, I picked up a prescription and dropped a dvd off at Blockbuster - ON TIME! When I got home I cleaned the whole apartment from top to bottom. I vacuumed, I dusted, I even...swiffered. For some reason, the swiffer and I are not good friends. I'm the only person in the world who fails at swiffering, but alas... I swiffered the floor. You could eat off that tile. Then I went to the gym and ran 3 miles in 33 minutes - a personal record (albeit on a treadmill, so it's slightly less impressive). Went to Target to blow a couple gift cards on makeup brushes for my new, grown up, nice makeup (another gift from the boyfriend). Then I came home in time to make a nice pasta dinner for my boyfriend who got off work at about 8:30. Basically - I'm the makings of a perfect little wife. Nothing makes me want to get married more than cleaning my house... as ridiculous as that may sound.

Lastly, on Sunday after church Zach and I cleaned out my car and washed it just in time for a rainstorm to ruin our hard work. My car is now clean like a grown up's and no longer has colored wigs, marker signs, and 3 pairs of shoes strewn about the back. I'm no longer embarrassed to have people ride in it. It's my transportation and I'm proud of it.

Perhaps the "grownest" thing of all that I did this weekend was fall asleep at 9:00 pm on Sunday like old people do.

Yes, folks, I'm on my way there... now let's see if I can keep it up!

-Lindsay

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

2010-06-02T13:33:00.002-04:00

I distinctly remember my bedroom at my parents' place. Way too much stuff per square inch. Cups that are half full of diet coke sitting on my nightstand. Yesterday's clothes piled on top of clothes from 2 days ago on the floor. That's just how you live when you're a kid.

Keeping my room clean was one of the most difficult things for me to do as a kid and a teenager, and even well into my twenties. I was almost suspended from college once for failing "room checks" too many times.

It wasn't that I was dirty as much as that I was busy. SO busy. Too busy to really "live" in my room. I spent most of my time at work, or class, or with friends, or organizing church events and by the time I got home from all of that, all I had time to do was change clothes, sleep, and do it all again (thus forming the heap of clothing on the floor).

My life has since calmed down a little... and that's a direct result from choices I've made. Sometimes, you just have to know when you're stretching yourself too thin. I have my own place now and yet I still find it very difficult to keep up with the mess that accumulates from just a single girl living there (and her boyfriend lazing around from time to time). The social life is still there. The clothes are still there. The cups of diet coke are still there.

The one main difference is that in my "adulthood," I find it physically painful to live in a dirty house. Where did that come from? Sometimes I stay up late in a sleepy daze and clean the kitchen or bathroom. I've been known to be a few minutes late to work because the dishes from last night caught my eye on the way out. Who have I become?

My boyfriend and I rarely argue or have disagreements. We just get along very well... but I find myself ready to tear his head off if I find candybar wrappers and dirty dishes where he was sitting. All of the sudden my emotions are very tied to this home of mine. If you don't respect it, then you don't respect me.

The ladies at my work call this "nesting." Apparently I am becoming the woman of the house... although, without a real "man" of the house (since I live alone) I'm not sure what that really makes me. All I know is a sink full of dishes made clean or a bathroom that smells like lemon wipes has become a new mark of accomplishment in my life.

I can almost hear my voice nagging my children in the future...

I guess we all become our mothers. It's just part of The Grown Life.

-Lindsay

Doing things like a grown up girl…err I mean, woman.

2010-05-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

I still feel weird when I refer to myself as a woman. I am still taken aback when someone asks me if I have kids. I kind of just assume that everyone will realize I’m young. However, I’m starting to realize that I’m not really as young as I’ve been thinking I am and it’s time to start living a woman’s life.

There will be many future entries on this topic but today we are just going to cover: The Art of Grocery Shopping.

I learned how to grocery shop when my mom was a full time teacher and I was in college with no job. So, my parents would give me grocery money and I would scour for coupons and discounts because any money that was left over after groceries I could keep. This was a great learning experience for me, and if everything in my life had gone as planned and I was married by now and planning a family this would be a wonderful skill for me to have. However, I live alone, I work full time and I have yet to figure out how to grocery shop for one person. One would think that it’s all the same; just buy the groceries. That however, is a common misconception. Mind you, I’ve lived on my own for over 8 months now, and I’ve just figured out, after throwing out hundreds of dollars worth of spoiled food, that I can’t shop like I’m buying for a family.

Grocery Shopping for a Single Girl Myth: Never buy premade items, they are way more expensive than If you make it yourself.

You see when I buy a whole bag of lettuce and tomatoes and carrots and cucumbers and onions and bell peppers for a salad, I spend about $15.00 and before I can eat all of it, mold will win the battle and it will get tossed out. However, when I spend $2.00 on a small Publix premade garden salad, I know it’s fresh and I will be eating all of it the day I buy it. Even if I eat one a day all week that’s still only $14.00 and it will always be fresh. The make my own salad method would produce spoiled vegetables before the week was over, therefore I get more salad for less money when I buy premade. This newly learned lesson blew my mind.

Check back for more examples of me learning to do things differently in this, a life I never expected to be living: The Grown Life.

My hips don't lie.

2010-05-19T11:38:00.002-04:00

I did it!! I successfully put on my goal jeans!!! ...and when I say, "put on my goal jeans," I don't mean that I sucked in, wriggled in to them and squeezed the button shut... I mean I genuinely fit well in them. I can't believe it! I couldn't be more pleased!

If you're like me, you wear jeans more than once before washing them. Let me tell you... I wore these jeans EVERY day this weekend. Friday - I wore them to work. Saturday - I wore them to church. Sunday - I wore them around the house. I even wore these jeans to the pool.

Look... when you've got a good thing goin' you've gotta ride it to the end, right?

I'm sorry I don't have a good picture of me in them to post up here, but I'll get one, I promise! The road to goal jeans has not been easy, and attention must be paid!

That said, now that I'm officially in the "120's" weight range, I got another unexpected surprise. My Weight Watchers point allowance went from 21 a day to 19 a day! How am I supposed to live like this?? Do they want me to waste away to nothing?! Actually... I think that's the idea.

So here's the new challenge: Live on only 19 points a day. Continue on to actually reach my goal. I want to actually GET there and not quit while I think I'm ahead.

In other news... I've found that I'm definitely becoming a grown up because I cannot stand when my house is a mess... when did this happen??? When did I start griping to my boyfriend to pick up his dishes? When did I start sounding like my mother? Another blog post about that to come... stay tuned.

-Lindsay

You catch more flies with honey...

2010-05-13T10:39:00.002-04:00

But who really wants to catch flies anyway? It seems to me I could catch a huge amount of flies by just forgetting to take my garbage out.

Anyway...

If you know me at all, you know that I'm a pretty straightforward girl. If there's one thing I do well, it's communicate how I'm feeling. I also don't really like when people lie about how they're feeling. I don't usually pretend to think people are funny when they're not, or pretend to be having a good time if I'm bored. (This is why when my boss makes a joke and asks if my day is wonderful, I often stare blankly).

Anyway, people don't usually describe me as a person of tact, and most of the time I like it that way. I don't think that everyone deserves a tactful response or that I should pretend to be something I'm not. I am, however, trying to learn how to manage people... and that's where the difficulty sets in.

In the past week, I've been awarded the opportunity to try my hand at the idea of a tactful response. To make a long story short, and to protect the people involved, I'll just say that someone I know made me pretty angry. They were acting immature, bratty, and frankly... I was sick of it. I wanted to give them a piece of my mind, and the opportunity came up. So I typed up exactly what I was going to say. I sounded smart, annoyed, and pretty clear on my feelings. I sent it to Zach to see what he thought, and he asked me:

"Are you TRYING to sound like a b****?"

In a word, YES! I was! I had every right to sound that way. Was I burning bridges? I didn't really much care! I can't just let someone act badly. If given the opportunity I have to administer justice! I believe that if you just stand back and let people be awful, they'll learn nothing about their behavior.

He encouraged me to save a draft of my letter, remove myself from the situation, and decide later if I wanted to send it. So I did. I talked to some other friends and I began to think about other things. When I was thinking about a close friend of mine who's going through a lot, I began to think about how the other things in life can affect our behavior in strange ways. I didn't know if that was the case with the particular individual I had been writing to earlier... but I had a feeling that maybe the problems I was having with them were rooted in something else.

So I did something remarkable and revolutionary... I was nice. I put aside all the annoyance and anger and all the JUSTICE that I felt NEEDED to be served, and decided to respond nicely.

It was like night and day. The issues cleared up and God really moved in the situation. I believe this whole thing was to show me that I am capable of using tact when I need to... and maybe, just maybe, I could be in charge of people someday. But only if Zach stays by my side and continues to bring out the best in me. :)

-Lindsay

Looking good :: the long & short (term) of it

2010-05-09T13:16:00.004-04:00

I'M BLOGGING ON MY PHONE!!

Bear with me, oh faithful reader, for you never know when inspiration will strike. Like right now, I'm at starbucks and thought, I should blog! I also thought my iPhone would write in the WYSIWYG that our blog uses. It will not. Therefore this entire blog post is being written in HTML - so who knows what this will end up looking like!

Here Goes Nothing!!!

So, this is what's been on my mind as of late: Looking Good: Long Term vs. Short Term. For example, last night I curled my hair (if you know me well, you know this effort is rarely put forth) and suddenly what feeling should occur within me? The desire to go running! (another rare occurance) So I find myself at an impasse of looking good with my hair done and body not covered in sweat and the long term looking good potential of weight loss through running. Last night my hair looking decent won out over the running, but next time... Who knows who will win?

So here is the question both Lindsay and I have: How do you balance looking good in the moment with being able to look even better in future moments?
Sweat Now to flex later? or Enjoy the make up covered moment at hand?

Watchin' my weight.

2010-05-06T10:16:00.002-04:00

I've been off and on weightwatchers for years. I did it seriously a while back when I was previously engaged and lost a TON of weight. Since then, I've gained the weight back and more and I've never quite been able to get the motivation to really get my eating under control. I would go on weightwatchers for a couple of weeks, lose a few pounds, find a reason to eat badly again and fall off the wagon. For the last 2 years (excluding a time when I was fasting all but fruits and veggies), my weight has pretty much fluctuated between 134 and 140 pounds.

That's why this is such an exciting time. I started doing weight watchers again about a month ago because I realized that just running and eating whatever I want wasn't going to cut it. I need control over my food. I need to count it like math. I have no willpower to stop eating cookies. I am, however, very stingy. So when I think of the "points" that I have as a currency, I really am able to make good food choices.

"Is this worth 3 points to me?"
"If I eat this now, will I be able to afford my dinner?" (in points)
"If I really want this cookie, would I be willing to go do 30 minutes of pilates for it?"

These are all questions I ask myself now. It makes me look at food differently.

My weigh-in days are Tuesdays. It's very important that, if you can, you weigh yourself at the same time of day and on the same scale each week. I always use my digital scale on Tuesday morning before I've had anything to eat or drink. This past Tuesday my weight was 129.8! For the first time in years I've broken into the 120's. I'm not partying about this yet... because I'm pretty sure that as soon as I bit into my granola bar that morning, I inched up to 130. However, if I'm down a little more next week, I am celebrating! I'm having a dessert day - all weightwatcher friendly of course! I'm going to spend a LOT of my hard-earned points on chocolate chip cookies! It's going to be delicious.

Stay tuned... in a couple of weeks, I'm trying on the goal jeans! (insert dramatic music here)

- Lindsay
(Here is a photo of me in my goal jeans 3 years ago. Man I was thin and adorable)

Kickin' It Old School

2010-04-27T10:46:00.002-04:00

My kickball team is AWESOME! ...no thanks to me. I'm actually the worst person on my team, but I'm glad to say that. They're so great! And so much fun to play with. It's too bad our first game got rained out halfway through because we were creaming the other team. At the top of the 3rd inning, we were up 12-0. We still have some things to work on and we'll gel as a group over time, but as a start... I am SUPER excited.

Like I said in my last post, I'm excited about this opportunity because it'll help me see what I'm made of when it comes to leading people. If I can do it on the field, maybe I can also do it in an office building. Maybe it will help my future. Kickball's funny like that. It gave my good friend Leslie a boost of confidence and has helped her to break out of her shell. Maybe it'll make a manager out of me!

If I want to move up in the world, I've gotta work on being more responsible, though. Today I tried to get to work early... only to be met with the worst traffic I've encountered since moving to St. Pete in November. The interstate was backed up all the way across the Howard Frankland bridge to at least Ulmerton. I don't know if it was any further. It took me 45 minutes to drive 7 miles. The miracle here is that I didn't kill anyone when I finally got to work. Still, this is the exception to the rule. I will be trying to work on the following things at work over the next 3 months:

1) Punctuality (if I can help it)
2) Attention to Detail
3) Conflict Management (kudos to me for not killing anyone)

This is how you be a grown-up and move up in the world, I guess.

I hope I can make it!
-Lindsay

PS - Here's a picture of my awesome team, Bazinga!

Your ___'s Weak!

2010-04-25T09:09:00.002-04:00

So the great news is I've been losing weight! Weight Watchers is a trusty friend that has always come through for me if I will just stick with it. The bad news is that since I'm already kind of small, I'm on the very bottom level of weight watchers (21 points a week + flex). This means I really don't eat a lot... and when I try to go for a run or a bike ride or something... I feel SO weak!

I know that when I exercise, I can eat more food. The thing is... because of my size, I don't get back as many points exercising as someone else might. I just feel like every step I run is fueled by nothing. I've had to stop and walk at times... or ask for breaks if I'm bike riding. I feel like, for me, there's no happy medium between losing weight and having the fuel to run.

I think I'm maybe just uninformed. I might not be eating the right things or eating them at the right time to maximize the energy in my body. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. :)

So as I said earlier, I've been bike riding a bit! Zach and I have taken bikes into Flatwoods Park and ridden the trails. My butt bones generally hurt for at least a week afterwards, but the fresh air is amazing and getting to share the experience with the love of my life makes it even better. Zach has had knee injuries and isn't able to do high-impact activities. Biking is good because it makes his knees stronger. I enjoy it because we can spend time together. He likes it because he's better than me at it.

In other news, kickball spring season is about to start today. I am the captain (yeah... seriously) of a team that's never played before. I'm really scared about it, but I feel like it had to be a God thing that we were able to get that many people to join in a matter of days, so I'm looking to Him for guidance. I know, you think it's silly that I think God has his hand in my kickball affairs, but what I really mean is... lately I've felt unequipped to be in charge of people. Taking on greater responsibility on the job front would create more opportunities and a better future for me, but I've never felt like I was ready to supervise others or tell anyone what to do. I think this whole Captain thing might be God's way of thrusting me into a situation where I don't feel entirely comfortable to show me that I can do this. I'm not an athlete. I have no reason to feel equipped here... but somehow I'm in charge... and if I can do it here, maybe I can do it somewhere else as well.

Wish me luck! I'll post a picture of Team BAZINGA when I get one!

-Lindsay Lee

Lofty Goals, Long Falls

2010-04-16T14:13:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking... scary i know, but stick with me here.

I need to make more small goals and fewer big goals. I realize everyone and their mom has already come to this conclusion, but it takes me a few more bangs of my head against the brick wall to finally get it. So here it is.

Goals I will no longer have:
1) To Get Married
2) To Lose 50 pounds
3) To run a half marathon
4) To make a ton of friends in Ft. Lauderdale
5) To make more money

Goals to replace the old goals:
1) To get over guys that aren't 'the one' (if there is such a thing) and to open myself up to dating or a new relationship
2) To Lose 15 pounds (enough to have a more normal BMI)
3) To actually make running apart of my daily (or at least weekly) life
4) To be more outgoing, be open to meeting new people, but not force myself to hang out with people i'm not even comfortable with.
5) To stop over spending on all the things I have control of (bills, gas, clothes, etc)

I realize that this is probably a no-brainer to most people, but i'm just starting to REALLY understand. Maybe this epiphany should have happened sooner, but hey, this is The Grown Life.

Run to win!

2010-04-07T10:04:00.004-04:00

My very...first...5k. On April 3, 2010 I ran in my very first 5k race. I did not win... I did not even come close. I think I was probably last in my age group except for a few ladies walking with babies...but the point is I finished it!

Two weeks ago when I could barely fathom the idea of running a mile outside, this seemed impossible. My encouraging friends and a lot of little goals made it happen though.

My only goals for the 24th Annual Run for the Turtles were these:
1) Finish
2) "Run" the whole time (it's really more of a jog)... NO WALKING!
3) Finish in 40 minutes or under.

So I get to the run in Siesta Key with the fabulous Paula Blair and come to find out that we're running in the SAND! Whaaaaat?? I was very nervous. I began to really doubt myself. I wasn't able to run most of the week before that because I was busy getting ready for easter and I began to feel unprepared and unqualified... not to mention sunburnt! (Paula and I had quite the "beach day" the day before the race). Now we were running in sand?! I didn't think I could do it.

When the race started I was a little bummed because it seemed like everyone was passing me. The sand wasn't really that soft at all, but the slope of the sand into the water quickly started becoming uncomfortable to deal with. Occasionally I had to jump over a hole or sand castle. The breeze was nice and the line of the beach curved, so up ahead I could see the faster runners waaaay in the distance. There were moments when I got a little discouraged because I was hurting and feeling tired and I wasn't even halfway done yet. After a while, even the beach stops being beautiful and starts being monotonous.

I got a little bit of a second wind at the water station (halfway point). As I was on my way back, I was running at about the same pace as this older man who looked like he could drop over at any moment. He was hunched forward and I was afraid for him...but also impressed that he was out there with the rest of us. After a few minutes I decided I could do better than to go the same pace as an old man who looked like this race might be his last (if ya know what I mean). I started to pick up the pace a bit... I think that's when the race changed for me.

Prior to that, I had been on target for my 40-minute finish time. I had rounded the halfway mark at just about 20 minutes, but now I was moving faster. I didn't really realize it I guess... because I surprised the heck out of myself when about 3/4 of the way through the race, I could see that I was catching up to Paula. I knew Paula was a faster runner than I was, so this was surprising to me. Did she slow down or did I really speed up?

I got excited and went a little faster. Now Paula and I were next to each other and she pointed at me and said "You go girl!" At this point I pretty much felt like I was going to puke but the finish line was close. I ran on. I finished just a few seconds before Paula. My time: 36.41

I couldn't believe it! I finished! I didn't walk! I killed 40 minutes. I ran in the sand. And I suck at Math so I have no idea what my pace was. Anyone care to tell me how fast my miles were? The whole 60 seconds in a minute thing keeps throwing me off.

"Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!" - I Corinthians 9:24 (NLT)

-Lindsay

Pulled pork sandwiches are the lunches of champions

2010-03-30T14:39:00.001-04:00

It's the truth. I believe this because last Thursday, I ate a pulled pork sandwich from the Cheesecake Factory and ran/jogged 3 miles over by Zach's house that night with much more ease than I ever had before. Needless to say, I grabbed myself another pulled pork sandwich today (this time from Sonny's) and am prepared to try again tonight. :)

Finishing 3 miles on Thursday was a real "win" for me. I was beginning to think that I had no chance at completing the 5k I have coming up on Saturday. It's still gonna be really tough, but now I know I've done it at least once.

I think I pulled a muscle. :\ Zach and I went to Georgia this weekend and I lazed around our friends' apartment for so long on Saturday morning that when it was time for me to finally go down to their fitness center and hit the treadmill, Zach was begging me to be back soon so we could explore. I limited myself to only 30 minutes total in the gym and after trying to figure out their new-fangled state-of-the-art treadmills and walking for a while, it turned out I only had time to run for about a mile and a half. At least I feel good knowing that I could've gone further. When I went back to the apartment, I quickly got ready and left, leaving the most important thing out of the equation - S T R E T C H I N G! I'm paying the price for it now. My right hamstring has been hurting for days. I hope it doesn't prove to be just one more thing stacked against me with this 5k!

I'm not sure how or when I'll be able to run tonight. Sometimes you've just got to make time for these things. I'm thinking it's gonna be a late one.

Ciao!
Lindsay

PS - here's a pic of Zach and I in Georgia. :) What a great trip!

I'm so campy (in a good way)

2010-03-26T09:03:00.000-04:00

I’m obnoxiously excited!
It’s not just that I get to go home at noon today, see almost all my friends (Lindsay will be in Georgia) and spend some time together out in God’s creation. That is all great. However… The most exciting part to me is I bought a TENT and a sleeping bag! Now there are no limits to my camping whims. Also, both tent and sleeping bag are ‘hiker/bike’ so they are super light weight and easy to lug around. I want to spend more time outdoors, it just seems like being vegan and outdoorsy should go hand in hand & now it does! The only big purchase that I have on the brain now is a kayak & once I get that I will be so set! I can kayak out to an island somewhere and set up my tent and be super earthy.
It may be pathetic that this is the biggest excitement of my day/week/month/year-so-far but whatever.
I’m obnoxiously excited!!!

Setbacks and 5ks...

2010-03-19T11:07:00.000-04:00

So this week I've had a little bit of a stomach bug (which I hope to be overwith).. which has caused me to eat very little... which has caused me to run very little. And by little I mean... not at all.

My legs feel flabby. Every now and then they hurt for no reason... I think the pain is muscle definition leaving the body. The other night I stretched in my sleep which caused my hamstring to cramp up. I screamed. This can't bode well...

Especially since I have a 5k to run in 2 weeks! Have I mentioned that I have yet to run very far at ALL outside? I don't know if it's my pacing or if I'm genuinely just extremely weak. Anyway... I'm worried about it. I really want to finish this 5k. I mean I know I can finish it walking... but I don't want that to be an option. I want to run it. Even if my run is so slow that I finish with the walkers.

How did this sneak up on me? I was so sure I'd be way past the 3 mile mark by now... I've not been doing very well. I think maybe this running plan was way too ambitious for me. Not to mention the fact that I haven't learned how to pace myself at all.

Tonight I start to train. I'm going to begin running outside today and every day until my race. A little at a time, I'll jump this hurdle. It's going to require me eating better and being more disciplined than I've been in the past 2 weeks. Friends, please don't be upset if I have to change our plans around to fit running in. This is just a personal goal I've gotta meet! After April 3rd, life can resume as normal.

Coincidentally, I'm also singing in the choir at church on the evening of April 3rd and the morning of April 4th for Easter. That's going to be one super busy weekend!

I hope I can do it!

-Lindsay

PS - for more information about the 5k I'm doing and saving some turtles, click here.

Somethin' just ain't right...

2010-03-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

So, I feel kind of down today.

A little bit disappointed in myself for only running 1 mile this morning.

A little scared about the changes running is making in my body.

A little disturbed that I've been so busy this week that I keep forgetting to buy shampoo and my apartment has been a mess for days.

A little worried that maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew with this running thing.

This week has just been odd. Maybe the idea of doing something good for my life has lost it's shiny new-ness and with it went my motivation. Yesterday my foot went completely numb from the ankle down while I was running my 2nd mile. My shoes weren't too tight or anything and they're only a week old, so I don't think they're doing the damage... but it was weird. I also had some weird almost-anxiety-attack for no reason at all yesterday afternoon and was trying to calm myself down well into the evening...

I dressed like a clown at kickball and we actually won! (note, my Sunday night team often wins... my Wednesday night team - not so much) The score was 10-3 and I brought the first run home, but the whole time I felt like my heart was beating out of control. I decided maybe I burned way too many calories for the few that I ate yesterday...(maybe?)...

This morning was like the complete opposite of yesterday. I had a much shorter workout on the schedule, but I had to fight to pull myself out of bed. I thought it would be easy. 2 miles. That's it.

For some reason I was only able to run 1 mile, with difficulty... and now I'm yawning just as I sit here. I feel like this is the crash that people expect long after drinking a red bull. Was yesterday a natural red bull?

To top off the crap-sandwich that is today, I didn't have any granola bars left and resorted to a bagel because it was the only thing portable enough to bring along with me to work. So many carbs. Exactly what my love-handles need.

Somethin' just ain't right... I need out of this funk. Also... I need a nap.

-Lindsay

Whatevs, I'm a champ.

2010-03-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

On this morning, which was supposed to be the start of week 3 in our running regiment, I woke up at least 3 different times with the worst cramps I have had in years. All I had at the house was goody powder, which I took twice and as much as I know my father will vehemently disagree with this statement, it must be said: GOODY POWDER DOESN’T WORK.

So I fetal-position it up, whimpering until about 7:50am and begrudgingly crawled out of bed. I Found the loosest pair of pants I own, a sports bra and a hoody and threw it on. Left the house 10 minutes after I should have been at work and make a Beeline for the store (where they have the drugs).

Here’s what I bought:

Grocery List:
Oreos
Midol
Heat wrap

Do you think the cashier caught on to what was going on?

Anyway, I book it to work, stopping once or twice on my way into the building to over come a cramp pain before I could continue walking.

Here I sit, the day almost over and the truth is, getting up and coming to work today makes me way more of champ than running 3 miles on Saturday. I am a champ.

And in case you missed that last part...

Linds and I ran 3 miles on Saturday! 5K down! Boom!

Love in any language...

2010-03-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm becoming old as dirt I think my love language is changing. As I recall, last time I read the book The Five Love Languages, I was big on "words of affirmation" and "physical touch," but now that I think about it, it may have just been because I was dating a guy who wasn't big on those things. You always seem to crave what you're lacking, ya know? My current, amazing, fantabulous boyfriend is great with these things... with everything actually... so I don't know what my love language is.

The reason I bring this up is that last Monday, I got off work and headed straight to the gym. My boyfriend came over after he was done with work and said he wanted to cook something. I didn't have much in the way of food, and what I did have was frozen (grown-ups think ahead and thaw out their frozen meats). I thought he'd have to end up making something like mac n cheese. I didn't know what he was up to.

While I was gone, he went to a nearby grocery store and picked up not only the ingredients for a delicious (and healthy!) dinner, he also bought some things that I was needing in the apartment as well as things I would never spend money on for myself.

I came back from the gym completely exhausted. To my surprise, everything was cleaned up and put away and my amazing dinner awaited me. He proudly showed me all the items he bought for my apartment. New trash bags with draw strings, new tupperware pieces because mine were getting all miss-matched, chocolate chip muffins just because, etc...

I was so touched that my heart could've jumped out of my chest and I thought to myself... when you get old, do you get more excited about your significant other buying trash bags than you do about things like hugs and kisses? Do I freak out more when he swiffers the floor for me (because I am clearly inept at this task) than I do about a gift or a love letter?

Maybe I love all of the above. Either way... I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and cares for me. I'm very blessed.

-Lindsay

Btw - here's the dinner he made:
lightly breaded pork cutlet with a lemon-shallot spinach salad on top and fresh green beans... a little italian bread on the side.

keep runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin'

2010-03-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

I sometimes think I was born to be an encourager. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a bitch when I want to be; but I have found that more often than not, I draw a lot of strength from encouraging other people.

I have suspected this about myself for a while but really started to see it when it came to the whole running/fitness and diet/nutrition pact that Lindsay and I are attempting to commit to. When I was in Tampa last weekend and ran 2 miles with Lindsay (the farthest I’ve ever ran at one time) I kept looking over at her and smiling and trying to yell encouraging things over the sound of our headphones (although she didn’t really need any of my encouragement) I felt like the run was easier for me while I was trying to lift her spirits. Actually, I thought, “Wow! I can do this 2 miles thing! I will have no problems doing it again when I get back home!”

I. Was. So. Wrong.

Standing in my gym back home with an overly toned, bleach blond, spray tanned, want-to-be model giving me the stink eye every time I tried to give her the old “we are both working out, and I acknowledge you as a person” smile. Here, the 2 miles seemed so much longer of a distance. So I start my run, not really stretched out since there’s no real place for me to do that, and no one to do it with. I run. I run. I start to realize I’m tired and not even a half-mile into this beast. I look around for someone to encourage me, but only catch eyes with an old lady who is looking at me the way most people do the first time they see me work out, fearful and concerned, she doesn’t know that purple color my face has become is normal for me. Next thing you know I’m just passing a mile and having to stop and stretch and deep breath, and get another dirty look from Ms. Super-Fit.

Then. Right then is when I realized. I don’t need someone to encourage me, I need someone to encourage. Someone to lift up, someone to make think that this run is easier for me than it really is, so they are more confident that they too can finish strong.

I’m not sure if I’m really talking about running anymore or just life in general; but here it is, a little bit of me for your consideration.

Please Don't Stop The Music

2010-03-03T10:22:00.001-05:00

Ugggh... this morning I ran 2 miles and it was so much more difficult without Adora next to me. I got through it, though, by setting little goals for myself. First, I said I would make sure I made it to 1.5 miles at least. Then, when I got there I told myself I'd run until at least the end of the song I was listening to. Then, I said to myself, "Well I can make it at least to 1.75..." and then once I got there it was only a quarter mile to go! Coincidentally, my old church was about a quarter mile from a McDonald's that we would always go to. When I only have a quarter mile left, I often think about how I could run to McDonald's for a cheeseburger if I needed to. Today, I reminded myself of SHAMROCK SHAKES. I will have a shamrock shake when I am able to run 3 miles. I will.

Today I found out just how important it is to have the right music while running. I generally run at a pretty slow pace - around 4.5 to 5.0 mph. There are a few great Hillsong United songs that seem to have a beat that's right at 4.5 mph... and today I found that "No One Like You" by David Crowder is the perfect song if you want to run at a nice 5.0 pace.

The thing is, my ipod screen has been broken for the past few months. I think something must've happened to it in the move. It plays just fine, but the screen has been broken so I have no idea what song I'm listening to. Likewise, I can't change the song or artist to something I want because I have no idea what I'm choosing. It's stuck on shuffle forever. Right now that's fine because it's sitting in my ihome in my bathroom providing me with some shower music. I made a running playlist, though, and I have no way to play it!

I like to run to Christian music. I started it last week because Adora and I did kind of a secular music fast. I don't have anything against secular music, but I wanted to see how the change would improve my attitude. It did. A lot. I also found that when running starts to hurt, I can often distract myself with the words of a Christian song and their meaning. I don't think I'd be able to do that just any song.

So anyway, I've been listening to a hillsong united pandora station on my phone because my ipod screen is ka-put and, while I think pandora is the bees knees, it's not made for running. Sometimes I'll be on a streak where I just need to push through and all of the sudden the song will switch to some slow, worshipful ballad. I dig the ballads for lovin' my Jesus in the car, but come on! It kills me when I'm running.

Basically, I need a shuffle or something. Just some place I can put only my running playlist. In the words of the great philosopher, Barney Stinson, "people often think a good mix should be rise and fall, but people are wrong. It should be ALL RISE, baby!"

Anyone know where I can get a cheap ipod shuffle? Or something generic like it?

-Linds

Defying Gravity

2010-03-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a week! There's been boyfriends and birthdays and long hours and lots of food that's bad for me. Most importantly, however, it has been a week of being intensely awesome. Adora and I started a brand new exercise program. It's a beginner's track designed to take us from being lazy pieces-of-crap to half-marathon-runners in about 8 weeks. It may take us longer than 8 weeks, but we're determined to prove to ourselves, to our friends, and to our bodies that we can do more than we ever dreamed we could.

This past Monday I ran a mile for the first time....EVER (don't laugh). I've "run" further on an elliptical trainer, but I was always under the impression that I could not go more than a few feet on a treadmill or on the ground outside (the whole lungs exploding and legs cramping thing was always a deterrent). But I did it. And so did Adora. And that's not all! I ran a mile 2 more times that week along with a ton of walking and some cross-training thrown in there.

Then Saturday, the unthinkable happened... Adora and I ran 2 miles. TWO MILES! Get ready... we're gonna be so hot. I got some brand new running shoes too. I'm serious about this.

Momentum is a powerful thing. A little more than a week ago, I didn't believe I could be any thinner, fitter or healthier than I'd always been. Now, a few days later I am able to run TWO MILES. I finally really believe that I can achieve my goal of being really fit for the first time in my life. I don't know that I have ever believed as strongly in the power of encouragement as I do now. I honestly believe I wouldn't have made it two miles on Saturday if Adora hadn't been running next to me, encouraging me... even if she totally made it look easy. I was choking on my water and gripping my cramping sides while she smiled and ran like it was no big deal. Whatever.

When I think that the battle for that second mile was about 80% mental, it really makes me wonder what else I can change with just the power of positivity. I don't mean that creepy kind of positivity where you never seem like anything bothers you, but just genuinely believing that you CAN do it. Even when I didn't think I could do it, Adora did... and when she didn't think she could do it, I did. It helps to have a partner.

This brings us to goals:

1) I want to be healthy

2) I want to be fit (not just thin... FIT)

3) I want to be able to run a 5k at a competitive speed

4) I want running to be something that stays with me, that I do daily to relieve stress and start my day right.

5) I want to fit in my goal jeans.

Goal jeans? Oh yeah. We have goal jeans.

We're gonna look so good. We already tried them on. No pictures of that necessary. You better believe when I can wear those size 4 American Eagle skinny jeans, I will wear them EVERY DAY.

We're gonna do it!

What could you do if you really believed you could?

Think about it,

Lindsay

The Grown Life

2010-02-22T10:09:00.000-05:00

Alright, so here it is. Adora Wilkins and Lindsay Barta are venturing into the world of being grown. We've each recently rented one-bedroom apartments and, while we happen to be a painful 250 miles away from one another, we are still somewhat side-by-side. Adora and I have vowed to be accountability partners - to help one another reach our goals in all areas of our lives. We will try our best to keep each other physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy... and we'll basically be there for one another while we do this thing called "being a grown up" for the first time.

In our excitement, we decided to create this blog to share with the world our progress, lessons learned, triumphs and failures. This is our project - to become young women. To develop habits that will make us successful and happy. To never lose sight of who we are. And, of course, to be freaking awesome.

Thank you for joining us. This is The Grown Life.